For all intensive purposes, my life appears to be honey and cream. I play all the time and spread love to all around me. These are my distractions and comforts from my mind. It is wholly impossible to escape it. I try to run but my mind is the prison that never ends. The foreboding that I felt three weeks ago has swallowed my body whole. A dark ooze coats my skin and seeps through more and more each day. Though I went back on my meds, the illness persists. I don't know how to make it stop.
In therapy, for the last session, we took a little time to ask why my soda behavior is something bad. Most people would write it off as something small compared to binging or self harm but the soda for me is a cure all escape from who I am. I am addicted to the nostalgia that trails along with it and the high of being something better than myself. I like who I am better with soda. I think other people like me better. I'm able to relax and just go with things instead of being so uptight anymore. I wasn't always this uptight. I don't know where I lost my way. It gives me a high that allows me to forget all the letdowns of people around me. I feel so much more creative and free with it. It's not the caffeine that I'm so addicted to, though that can be a problem too, but the power behind the drink. I give it power over my mind.
I still don't have a new therapist and I need one badly. I need someone to check in with me and show that they support me. I need someone to take interest in my health and take a hands on approach with me. Everyone else has their own life to lead. I can't ask them to babysit me. I won't. I don't want to resent my loved ones for not playing doctor with me.
I don't want them to carry the burden of seeing me so weak. I don't mind them seeing weaknesses in me but having to carry me when I know how to walk is wrong. They should know that I trust them and love them. They should not have to question it because I am unstable. They need the stability of my love. They need the stability of my strength to hold us all together. It's my responsibility, as a friend.
Gaia feels like it is dying. It feels like users are being drained of their will. So many people I know have left this site because of the new policies. I admit, I am frustrated to the end of my rope. I know that I also need to live outside of the internet, but I love this site. I love what it used to be. I love the outlet of creativity. Only, I don't see it lasting much longer anymore. My mafia roleplay is struggling to reboot and the one with Silleh is pretty much dead. I've given it CPR till my face was blue but there's nothing more that I can do. It's dead. I need to let go of it. I need to just let it go. I love my characters and I love the prospect of rp'ing with her but it just isn't working out. It's going to be a year since it started and still nothing from her. I don't know what to do anymore. It makes me very sad.
I'm also growing disillusioned with movies. I don't see the magic anymore in the escapism. I'm slowly losing interest in all that I loved so dearly. I only think about summer and the prospect of water. I'm drying out / dying out. If I keep along this path, my life will be in danger again.
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