A clean slate is what I really want. To start over again and maybe I would have the two of you instead of just one. I finally took my first step into the real world but I'm not quite steady and still require a hand with which way I should go. I'll learn from the mistakes that I make. Being in the same position that you took on father. I feel so sad and so sorry for you because you had to do it all alone. I never imagined the kind of selflessness you had, to do all that you could and still love me as much as you could. Can I please have that clean slate? To do it over and the next time, I won't take you or anybody for granted. But you're gone, to a place I won't be able to see for a while. Thinking about it, even though I want to have a clean slate, to be reborn, to redo and undo all the bad things that happened in life, I think I rather let things stay the way they are. I still love you, everyday I do, thinking of you and trying not to let my true feelings show. I'm happy. These chains, these chains that tied me to our family have suffocated me to the point of becoming but a broken doll. I did everything you all made me do and I'm happy that I broke free. This guy, the one I love and keep close to my heart, has mended me and allowed me to be who I really want to be. Not somebody's puppet that is pulled by strings. Though looking from the outside I've come to realize how broken everybody really is in the family. All of the separation has caused so much fighting and it is about to lead to a lot of blood shed. Not literally, but it saddens me so to see it happen. We were once so strong and now we all are breaking from the inside. I'm still happy, happy to be out from the weight upon my shoulders. I can't mend this family back together, but maybe I can mend the relationships I have individually. Only thing I can do is take a step at a time, hoping that this rocky and torn up road has finally come to an end.
· Fri Mar 14, 2014 @ 02:31am · 0 Comments