I have been thinking about, perhaps not too deeply, about the things that AM probably experienced during the time that we were separated. I imagined he despaired and when I opened up a way out of that situation, he found relief. He was still hurt even though he came out wanting to be positive and however I might deny it, part of that was because I lost my mind when PJ found someone else. Part of me wanted to make sure it was all true, whether that was really the end and he wasn't fabricating that just to bother me. I didn't want to leave without leaving a positive impact on AM's life. I wasn't very sympathetic to what he was going through, I would've been more sympathetic to a cat scratching at a door to be let in. Now, I'm tapping into his pain. The discovery that the love was lost and the despair that the person I love can't return my feelings. It's a nasty way to find out how much you love someone. I think I'm falling back in love with the way he clearly loves me. The way he holds me more than he doesn't like he's worried that I'll disappear if he lets go for too long. He's asking to take care of me even though I say that I can take care of myself. He also tells me all the time, when we're laying side by side in bed watching tv on the laptop that that's what's motivating him through his classes. He's clearly indicating that he wants me in his future. It's wonderful hearing these things, I'm not really bothering asking myself what I rationally feel about this. I feel very comfortable though and relaxed around him. I think I would be content with him as company for a long while. I've also been thinking about how it would make me feel if he just up and left me like I did. If I would've asked myself this a month ago, I would've said that I wouldn't have batted an eye. Now that he's back in the center, I've reformed a connection with him; I don't know if it's as deep as love, but it's enough for me to miss his touch and voice when he's gone. I definitely think he has become dear to me, dearer than before PJ made an informal appearance in my life. strangely enough, I think PJ left my relationship in a better condition than it was in before he stepped in to try and take me away. I'm seeing things through rose colored glasses for now. There's definitely a lot that AM and I have shared together in experiences. I don't think AM is the best possible match, but he's definitely way better than 90% of the people that I could have chosen.
Le Visage Inconnu
· Wed Mar 12, 2014 @ 03:27am · 0 Comments