He really sees me as the devil…
And I guess I just don't want to accept that I really am the only one in this relationship. Rob has consistently told me that I live my life, he lives his…he's with me because he has nothing better to do…and that he loves me for reasons unknown but he can really care less if I'm around or not.
He's just over it.
And not a damn thing I do will even put a dent in making up for it. Just "honesty and consistency".
So as you can tell, we had another one of those conversations again. Can't remember how we got there, but I know it was my fault. Kind of pushing to envelope and trying to see why he acts the way he does with me, trying to get him to see that I feel unappreciated, to get him to see that he doesn't care when he has plenty of reasons to. This time it was over FaceTime. He brought up everything bad that I'm done along with everything anyone has ever said about me, most of which are lies…but he doesn't fail to bring them up.
Ugh…I'm tired of writing about this to be honest. Initially part of me said that it was humbling for him to relentlessly go off on me like that every so often…that it brought me back to the realities of the lives that I've ruined….but that was me thinking on the bright side and being naive again. All of that does nothing but damage me….and us…..and ******** "humbling". I have to live with what I did everyday which is humbling enough….what I feel is small, very small. To the point where I feel like I have to build myself back up from nothing. I get that he wants me to feel all the pain and frustration that he is/was feeling, but still….. When he berates me with tales of the past…I feel small. I feel like I can't get a word in, and I feel like my pleas for truth and redemption are drowned out with more berating of evils. I don't live my life negatively, I promise you if the tides were turned…I would never do him like he has done me. And for him to say that I don't even care….is just cruel.
I hate it, but I love him.
And per usual, I will continue to take it all. I'll bite the bullet and continue to work for us, and push, with little to no consideration of appreciation, in hopes for an amazing future.
One day, I hope he really understands the pain that he has put me through…and apologizes.
I'm just tired of fighting.
Mood: Sad sad
Music: "Alone in Love" - Mariah Carey from Mariah Carey
· Tue Mar 11, 2014 @ 01:40am · 0 Comments