The string of bad luck continued today. My great uncle was pulled over when he was driving everybody back to the city. I don't know, I'm pretty numb right now, I really can't feel much about it anymore. I think I'm glad that I spent most of the weekend entangled in AM's arms. He is the only touch that I would gladly accept right now. He's immature and all, but I'd put up with that because he has sympathy. He is very in tune with the things thrown my way even though "the wound from [our still recent] separation (for one week) is still fresh". That's one thing I wish I could really feel, the pain that he must feel for going through that. I genuinely don't have the experiences and feelings that would let me feel the depth of what he feels right now. I can be sympathetic though. Maybe maturity will catch up with him by the time I come out of this painkilling cloud. He means something to me, I know that. Every time we come together, I become calm and happy. some subconscious part of me yearns for human contact from a positive source even though my brain is just dead tired of trying to materialize feelings. It's a give and take relationship, it really is. I'm trying to feel something. Perhaps feel heartbreak over memories of how he was heartbroken. It's like placing a call and trying to be patient when you always get a busy tone. I'm sorta beginning to feel what he must have felt but my mind is so cloudy. I think it's something I have to do if I have any dignity for myself. If I got into a relationship, I must take it as far as it would go especially if the other person's faults are minimal. My need to respect this guy and catch up to him in the depth of feeling he has for me. I have officially boxed PJ off in my mind, I know I will still feel the bittersweet feelings coming off of that box and remember the difficulty and unpleasantness of having to swallow that things just can't be that way without some immoral acts along the way. I need to get to the point where PJ or another guy could come along and I'd be ready to defend what AM stands for me tooth and nail. I need to reenter a relationship I respect and demand that other people respect that relationship if they doubt its legitimacy. I feel at home with this. I'd like emotional feelings to occur soon now that I've laid the rational framework for this process. I'm probably going to spend a lot of time thinking about this this week. The following has been working its way through my mind part of this week.
Blue Foundation-Eyes on Fire
Le Visage Inconnu
· Mon Mar 10, 2014 @ 04:29am · 0 Comments