3/7/14

I am thinking about my mom today. She died on September 18, 2012. I am missing her...it is because I have been sick.

Our last days together were intense. Mom had been sick for a couple weeks, refusing to go to the ER. I finally told her that I was afraid that she was going to die and that I could no longer take care of her. We took her to the ER that night. Stayed there for 10 hours and eventually she was admitted. She was given a death sentence -- lung cancer, liver failure, hepatitis, cirrhosis of the liver--if one didn't get her, the other surely would.

Being the only child in town, I was given the task of pulling the plug when we reached the "beyond hope" point. She lasted about 5 days in the hospital. The cancer traveled to her throat where she could no longer speak. It effected her eyes where she could no longer see.

All I could do was sit there holding her hand and nod for them to give her another shot of morphine. She held on from 9:00pm until 3:00am the next day. I remember telling her how sorry I was for not being the best daughter I could be and that I hoped she could forgive me. She gave me this huge squeeze that she should never have been able to do by this time. She understood, forgave and I believe she was asking for my forgiveness as well. A precious last moment together.

Some days I forget that she is really gone. There is such a fine line between life and death. I catch myself reaching for the phone to call her about something.

We never had a very good relationship. I guess it is because we are so much alike. I've been realizing and accepting that through my relationship with my own daughter.

Mom, I know that you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior in your final days. I know that you are okay. I know that I will be with you soon. I believe in my heart that this will be a glorious time for new beginnings.

For God alone my soul waits in silence. Amen and amen.