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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
bars on a box
I can say that I have settled down to being comfortable with AM. I still don't feel the old way about him, but I can really trust him. I don't think I can hurt him because he still hasn't lobbed the first rock and I can respect that. Despite that deep, cavernous hole, the lubdub that I feel instantly when I see PJ. I can fabricate and act out the motions of a meaningful relationship as morally supported with AM, but with PJ, I am blinded. I lose my mind, I feel exactly the feelings that I'm trying to act out and make happen with AM. There's a sadness and a worry that not a single drop of real passion would alter my indifference to AM romantically. Except, the feelings are not because I have much of any kind of feeling for him, I just really don't like to be lonely. I know I'm a really tough person to get along with but I have a conscience too. When everything I say comes out as the opposite of how I really feel inside, I have tremendous cognitive dissonance. That's another theme with me, I'm passive aggressive, face a lot of cognitive dissonance when it comes to how I think I should love someone and who I end up loving instead, and I think I've been detecting strong amounts of arrogance after being exposed to JP's strong self confidence. I can say that I took away some self confidence for myself. Anyway, I've changed my fb account so that I have a smiling profile picture up. He said if I really have the control that I say I have to make him hate me in order to give him peace, I would be able to control my depression; so, just for him, I built myself up. It's a message I sent without using any words and I hope he got it. I feel well enough to genuinely smile when I'm relaxing. I also said that if I had any control, I would be able to find a way to keep him as a friend. My actions were that of an incompetent foolbag, as he called me. Past the funny slur, I can accept that. He also said that he knows that I respect him, so I'm guessing that he's staying away for his own happiness as well. In a very weird show of team effort, we're staying away so both of us can have some measure of peace in our lives, him being also anxiety prone. I sometimes catch a whiff of something that he does that makes me wonder whether he's still struggling to forget me or whether he has come to accept it and feel ok now. I must consider AM though; I was and remain stuck in the mindset that leaving AM would be like making him feel the way I felt after PJ left. I can't hurt him like that when he made a genuine, honest effort to build an important relationship. I suppose I will continue on with my good intentions for him because right now, I can only think of one man and it'll stay that way for a while (because it always does when I've fallen as hard as I have for PJ) I can appreciate what AM does but I honestly don't know what the future holds and I probably won't be able to share a good part of genuine connection outright blind love and connection with him although I am pleased when I see him. It's a very weird time. I would never date two people at one time (because I really think that I want to share my entire life with only one person) even though PJ offered to be in a love triangle if I talked to AM about it. I thought it was beneath him and beneath me to consider that. If I ever end up with PJ in some strange sequence of events, I want to give him all of me and I want him to return the favor. I can't leave one relationship for another, it's just not something I can respect. Meanwhile, my heart (technically my brain) is telling me I'm so stupid for ignoring my loud desire to be outright happy...and I chose the more difficult and much less rewarding route. I wish I could say that I could do something like that, but I'm chained to my conscience.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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