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What are you doing?
Isn't it funny how things work
Tell me you don't love me.
Hurt me more.
Tell me I'm a failure,
I am worthless.
Kill me again,
It's alright.

even if it lasts for only a short while,
Will be lovely.

After so long of not living, merely existing-
Some relief, even for a moment
is painfully tempting.

A break from these thoughts that control me every ******** day, engulfing my whole mind– my whole body–
for a few days, a few hours,
a few minutes.
Is the most wonderful thing.

When I feel this- I feel nothing.
My mind is clear.

And just like some sort of avalanche,
my sanity, my high, everything.
All comes cascading down,
ending up lower than they ever were before.

But relief comes after a great pain,
and the cycle continues.

I just want it to end.
I don't want to be unstable anymore.

I don't want to think about the future.
I don't ever want to think about the past.

I don't want to think at all.

on your impulse,
swallow the bottle,
cut a little deeper,
put the gun to your chest.”
(Ellen Hopkins, Impulse)

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