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Lilly's Diary
personal thoughts here
Going to go back to not giving a ********
I honestly don't know why i ******** bothered caring so much over the few people I do, trying to protect them from themselves and from the world, it's an exercise in futility and it's only leading to migraines and stress.

I'm giving up all the bullshit, I'm not Chloe's keeper, I'm not her guardian, I'm her boyfriend. I'm not responsible for her actions, and I should stop behaving like I am. I foolishly projected this image that if chloe does something it's MY fault because I'M the dumbass. Fuggit.

Back to giving 0 ********. I try to tell her up front and I get chewed out. I'm done with it. I'm going to go back to watching people shoving their hands in fire and cry out in pain "IT HURTS IT HURTS" well no s**t. I could've told you that but you wouldn't have ******** listened anyways.

She told me that I'm trying to keep her from being herself and I keep trying to make her hide who she is from the world. No, I'm trying to keep her from insulting my families beliefs, because I want them to like her. I want everyone to like her as much as I do, but I guess that's again, an exercise in futility, because she's going to fight me the entire way.

I'm done with it. If no one likes her, I don't give a ********. I never really cared what people thought about me to begin with, I'm just nice at work because I'm PAID to be nice. I'm tired of pre-emptive damage control when she goes off and says something stupid because she doesn't realize how her wording comes off. "Well -I- don't get offended" yeah well you aren't everyone else. Not everyone has thick skin like you do. I censor myself infront of dads girlfriend all the time, for dad. I know he appreciates it, but when we're alone we talk about sadistic ******** up s**t, because that's the people we are. It's about knowing the people around you and respecting their sensibilities.

I'm not one to baby people -- but I do have enough decency to not come off abrasive as sandpaper to people. She can't handle the hate and the anger that would come towards her if she went full out as a "b***h" personality that she likes to think at times. She's tough, but people are ******** cruel. She's too human to be an ice queen; she's not like me. I can ******** burn every bridge I've ever walked across and be no worse for wear, because I'm subhuman now. I've given up my humanity in order for logic and clarity, it feels like. I know how the world works and I'm ever so quickly learning how to operate around it to my advantage.. for better or worse.

I'm done, though. I'm done trying to protect. I'm just going to be the silent statue. People will voice their concerns to me, and I will listen, but I will say nothing. They don't want to hear my advice, they want someone to listen. So be it.





 
 
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