I said all the right things... true things...
Like even though there are days I don't feel like life is worth living, I will probably make it through ok.
Like no matter what he does, even if it means blocking me out, I won't hate him. I might want to because it hurts, but I can't... which hurts.
Like I understand that he'll probably find someone else... doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell, but I can't hold him back forever.
If I said all the right things, why does it feel so shitty? Because I let my head talk instead of my heart. My heart wants to tell him that I can't live without him. It wants to do anything and everything it can to bring him back to me.
I know in my head we'll both probably be fine. I know in my head that he is just doing what he thinks is right to protect me from myself. But in my heart, it hurts. I just want to do whatever it takes so that he doesn't stay away from me... but there is nothing I can do... because he's probably right. I ******** hate it.
We love each other. I don't doubt that. How long can I go on loving him like this before it drives me crazy? What happens when I find out he's found someone new? Damn... I can't even stomach the thought. I will never find someone to fill his place, not just because of Lyn, but because nobody could. I have never met anyone like him and I'm sure I never will. I've tried to fill his place. I married someone else. You see how well that's working out for me. Damn I miss him.
Again I find myself conflicted. I don't want him to worry about me because it's bad for him, yet I do want him to worry because I know that's the only thing that keeps him in touch with me at all. Then I start to think, what has my memory become to him? When he thinks of me, is all he does worry and grieve? That's not what I want for him... not what I wanted for us. I don't want thoughts of me to just become a reason to drink or ******** other chicks.
Damn ok I'm crying so I should stop now... *deep breath*