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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
Painkilling Cloud
Well, surprise, surprise, I'm back to using this journal again to deal with my asinine private life. Except I had a situation occur that I probably wouldn't have predicted a week before it happened. I got my heart stolen by someone I was crushing on in a class from last semester....except the problem was that I was already in a relationship with one an ex that I got back with. Things definitely got way too complicated than they should've been and I had this almost throttling desire to leave for my crush because I was not vibing in my then 6 month old relationship. Anyway, I don't know what possessed me, but I kept stomping down on the new grounds for a potential relationship to preserve on that I really wasn't feeling anymore. I don't know why I did, I think it's because the person I am with would seriously consider ending his life if i left. well, i don't think he will any longer, but he would have before I confronted him about hanging his entire wellbeing and livelihood on my shoulders. anyway, for the good things that I did, i kept pushing away the guy that I was slowly but surely falling head over heals for. It's been probably over a month since I chased that guy away indefinitely and I did it in the dumbest way possible. I made him hate me by using all the things he told me about himself against him. Then again, I was overcome with neckdeep bitterness that he found someone in my stead after he sent me a video of him saying "i love you" in russian. (i didn't even know it was a video until after he left but I watched it afterward to fuel my painkilling cloud) I don't know, I've deleted him in all ways but through those videos. my mind keeps going to places that are "what if i decided to do something for myself for a change" and I really began to cave when the crush called me, and I really can't tell whether he was that drunk at all or just in his head like I tend to be sometimes, but i can hear every inch of pain that our situation was causing him. so, after all the stupid coaxing and turning down gestures that I made and the result that I knew was coming: the crush getting a different girlfriend or just moving on emotionally. it hurt so much for like three weeks until I got a haircut so I wouldn't look like myself when I look in the mirror anymore. I don't know why that always works, but it does. I even started dressing differently so he wouldn't recognise me if he were to see me from far away. there's something deep within me that doesn't want to experience or acknowledge exactly how much I lost when I pushed him away and how much I want myself to hurt for doing that to him after everything that he said. I know that my pain means nothing to him now because he hates me. I know that only a twisted person would say that making him hate me was an act of pure love. It really is, knowing that I'd go through a proverbial hell, I made him hate me. I've felt suicidal every day of three weeks, I've felt my brain burn, I've done lots of things to release my pain and some of them which I know, in the end, just added to the pain rather than remove it. Right now though, I am on a painkilling cloud. I feel like I'm viewing my life through a screen or that what I'm experiencing now is actually happening to someone else. I think a healthy person would say that what I did to him was an act of pure cruelty and what I've done to myself is the right response to the cruelty that I caused. I feel every inch the fool especially now that the one that I ended up with just doesn't appreciate what I've done for him and says his better mood is because he's away from his parents. so, it looks like what I've done was only hurt myself and the person that I fell hard for. He's starving me of seeing him now, he won't even be seen in the same part of the internet as me. Maybe my painkilling cloud appeared because to fully understand the hate that he feels for me, would mean to intensify my already suicidal feelings. As an act of self-preservation, i wrapped myself up again in the relationship that continues to be full of holes so that I can have something to take my mind off of exactly what I lost. I really can't look for someone new if the only person that I can think about, I let go in the most complete sense of the phrase. I get this stupid, hungry, happiness if I happen to see my crush trying to avoid me now. My mind goes back to all the things i reread in our conversations. I guess it's better than feeling like I want to jump off a building. I don't know if my cloudy mood comes with a white flag. It feels nice and I get this empty but real (can't quite describe it) smile on my face. I guess I can live in the memories until they're completely dry of all the original emotion. I guess it's not an exact science, but if I drain all the positive things through repetition through my mind, I would feel the loss so badly after a while. I know it's going to be a very long while, probably years. it's better that way though, I don't like it when my love is poisoned with lack of meaning. I'm detecting that the one I'm with right now isn't feeling it so strongly after he saw how much I was compromising (to the point of letting it wear down my health). I think I did the morally right thing, making sure that he wasn't going to do something stupid. I'd be a complete moron to believe that I'd get a positive ending though...doing the right thing and ending up in the situation that would make me blossom rather than remain dormant. I've done a spectacular job to make him hate me and I'm in denial about that. I guess that's good so that I can manage myself without constantly succumbing the the fact that the biggest darn door that I've seen so far in terms of connection close. I don't really have to remind myself to be happy for him. I can't hate him for doing exactly what anyone would do following all that. I hope his head is spinning much less than mine though. He felt guilt for talking to me when he finally found her and that's when I made him hate me. He knew how to read me when he talked to me, but now he doesn't want to read anymore and I'll get around to just accepting that and moving on after I've drained all the emotion from the memories. He thinks my pain is because I have a depressive personality. Despite all that he saw in me, he didn't see how much of myself I poured into him and now, he doesn't want to.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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