Oh jeeze who even post on journals anymore. Well, if you're reading this, I took a little break from Gaia for a month to get myself together. It's been 30 days and I must say I'm doing well for myself! I posted this back story/progress report yesterday on my tumblr, and I wanted to share it here in case people actually read journals on gaia. I will say, it's pretty long, but if you read it all, thanks!
So sorry if this all sounds repetitive or me just letting out my life, but I promise the end to this post will be good! So in June, I met the guy of my dreams. I swear it was love at first sight, which is something I never felt for anyone, not even my exs. After getting to know him for three days, I knew I wanted to be with him, and luckily we did! Our love was like nothing I've ever experienced and I loved him so much physically, emotionally, mentally, everything. He was everything I wanted in a guy. I knew I wanted to be with him, I got my parents to accept him, even allowing me (with my mom tagging along) to visit him in October. After meeting him in person, it’s literally like I fell even stronger in love with him. Even with us having an amazing and strong relationship, a lot was going on in my surrounding.
My stepfather was cheating on my mom, slept in the extra room, and asked my mom for a divorce. This wouldn't have affected me so much if I didn't live in the same roof; sadly I do. My whole family pinned me as having to be the rock for my mom because she went insane, hell, even attempting suicide. Not only did I have to worry about my mentally ill mother and the divorce drama, school was really affecting me to the point where all the stress gave me panic attacks. Even though my real world was hell, I was happy to have supportive friends and a loving boyfriend, but in early December, things went downhill.
I didn't hear from my boyfriend for over a week in December, and it worried it because he promised that even if we didn't talk once a week, he’d make sure to let me know he’s alive and cares. I finally hear from him, via IM telling me “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel the same way about you anymore”. I felt like someone just stabbed me in the heart and I was living this constant nightmare. My life was hell, with my mom, the divorce, and school, but what made me stay strong was his love, and having that taken away…killed me.
Of course after a break up, you want to do whatever you can to fix it; WELP, it didn't help me taking advice from a mentally insane woman (AKA my mom). I was desperate to have him in my life. Agreeing to being friends, constantly talking to him (the bad advice taken from my mom) and just suffocating him with reasons to why he should take me back. From the breakup til mid-January, I was ******** up. I stalked him online, questioned his new friend who I thought he was now in a relationship with, and just bothering him constantly; my ******** up mind did whatever it could to think of ways to have him back. My messed up mind would keep me online 24 hours a day, just hoping to see him online and talk to him. I would sleep all day, feel constantly depressed, call myself horrible names, and not care about myself (like not showering or eating so much junk food and drinking alcohol).
Around late January, after talking to my good friend, I finally decided enough was enough. I was so fed up with begging, so fed up with having anxiety attacks for stalking and seeing who he was talking to for hours and hours, I was fed up with looking down on myself and living sleepless, miserable nights. So that night, I read about this program. I really got into the program and decided this program will really better me and maybe, possibly, get me and my now ex back together; however, in order to really take this time to better myself, I had to delete him and have no contact with him for 30 days (which is understandable since you can’t better yourself if you’re still in contact with your ex).
When I spoke to him, he was really glad that I told him since he said he’d be upset if I deleted him with no explanation, but what he said before I deleted him made me see some hope. “I won’t stop you. You will add me again though right?” That response really made me see for a split second, that he still cares. So the past 30 days, I decided to really better myself and fight the urge to contact my ex (since if you contact before the 30 days are up, you gotta start over again). Day 1 was brutal and so was day 2. I was crying constantly, feeling awful and just…filling my mind with horrible thoughts and questions. Day 3 was the beginning of good things. Since it was a Monday, it was the first day for new beginnings!
I decided to FINALLY get my butt into shape and do what I always told my ex, as well as myself, what I wanted to do: work out. My first day of working out was only 30 minutes long because hell, the last time I worked out was in August. After the workout, it felt AMAZING! Just, running on the treadmill, really getting my life back into shape slowly; it felt wonderful. I also started filling my mind with positive thoughts, which was difficult at first because it’s difficult to feel beautiful and junk when you’re not currently dating the guy who made you feel those things. Every day, I made sure to stand tall, look in the mirror, smile EVERY DAY, and only fill my mind with positive things. It’s amazing to me how a month ago, my mind only told me, “you’re fat”, “you’re ugly”, “maybe he broke up with you because you’re fat and ugly”. Here I am now, almost day 30, and all I can ever think is “holy s**t girl, you’re ******** beautiful”, “dayum, I AM sexy”, “you’re amazing, wonderful, beautiful, funny, and have a gorgeous smile”. Like it’s amazing how now I can truly say I love myself, I find myself beautiful and sexy and not just cute or adorable. Since I’ve been telling myself these, I truly believe it and I have yet to say an awful thing about myself, which feels so good!
Not only have I been working out and saying positive things, I have a lot of new habits now! I drink only water, with small occasions (and I seriously mean small) of a beverage or two of alcohol, I now chew all my meals slowly (and let me tell you, after chewing my favorite meals, such as pizza, pasta, and mozzarella sticks slowly, damn they taste horrible), I’m now doing more adult things (get yo mind outta the gutter) like for once, doing my school loan on my own, making phone calls with my enrollment adviser alone, and even dolling myself up and taking sexy selfies if I do say so myself, and I do. With all this, I can definitely say I am not the girl who I was in November-January. I’m fun again, outgoing, finally accepting and love myself, and can we please point out after a month of working out, ALL my clothes and jeans are huge on me! Now don’t get me wrong, after the 30 days, I still plan to continue working out, eating and drinking right, and continue living a healthy lifestyle, I just wanted to point out how in a month, I’m so different.
Now of course I do have my days where I feel sad or down, but the positive days and me thinking positively outweigh the bad days big time. As much as I feel sad still about the break up and how and why it even happened, in a weird way, I’m glad this wake up call happened because without it, I wouldn't be the strong, independent, person I am who now is a tad egotistical, loving my life and everything. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a whole month, I don’t think about suicide anymore, I don’t have sleepless nights anymore or stay up all night. I’m still in love with my ex, he’s the best guy I've ever been with. I can understand the way he’s acting now. I’m not defending his actions after the break up or defending why he broke up, but after really focusing on myself and seeing why it went wrong, it makes sense. I was too needy during my parents going through a divorce and my school struggles. I would constantly bother him every day asking when we’ll have a date and it was only about me. Hell I don’t think through all this, not once in November did I ask how he was or how life is for him.
I remember talking to my friend about this and he might not believe it, but I’m sure it was too much for him, instead of talking about it with me, he just thought it was better to end the relationship completely. Now I can’t change the past, I can’t continue dwelling on the past either. I can, however, work on the present and continue bettering myself mentally and physically and make a better future. On day 30, which is tomorrow, I can contact him, after not talking to him for a month. I’m nervous, scared, and excited. I want him to see how much I've grown, how I understand why the relationship ended and how my messed up mind after the break up must have pushed him away from me more, and how I’m not even close to being that girl, how I’m more like the girl he fell in love with in June, but a even better version because I want to continue bettering myself, I love myself so much and honestly, no one can truly love you if you can’t love yourself; I just had to learn it the hard way.
I would love for my ex and I to get back together, I know we can make it work. I know I can’t force him to get back with me and I do accept our break up, so don’t get me wrong. Some of my friends doubt it, only because they don’t fully understand the whole story and really see both sides. They only saw my side and the ******** up me didn't tell them how I also messed up. Not only am I in a better place now, but my mom is too and her relationship with my step dad is really getting better! He still sleeps in a separate bedroom, but he’s getting closer to her again and even though he and my mom still want us to move, the move might be a blessing in disguise and really help my mom and my step dad fix their marriage. Even if some of my friends don’t fully support me wanting to get back with my ex, they accept it and are extremely proud of everything I've done for myself. My friends from Gaia, my best friend who I've been so close to since the break up, my GR fam, even my family.
I don’t think anyone understands how their support, their encouragement, everything has really helped me so much. Of course other people have a worse life, but I needed this. Only I can better myself, I have to love myself more in order for someone else to also love me, everything starts with me. So I guess with this long a** post, I want to thank my friends for really supporting me and encouraging me to hang on and stay strong. I truly would not be the person I am today, an extremely different, happy, loving person without the love and support you've given me. I also hope with my progress, I’ll inspire someone who is going through something I went through to have the courage to love themselves again, to find that hope, that light under the tunnel, to really appreciate what life has to offer. It looks bad now, but I promise you, with encouragement, with the will power, you will love yourself again and love life again because you’re worth it, you’re amazing, you’re beautiful, and you’re so much stronger than any problems you’re going through.
Also, I wanna end this with if my ex ever reads this, I hope you see how much I've grown, how I've become stronger, and that I hope you’re proud of me. If you all have read through all this, then lawd bless yo soul and I hope I didn't bore you or made you cry!