i feel like my body has been stretched too thin and is almost at its breaking point. my mind is having some odd arguments within itself. never again is my mind all my own, i feel as though my brain has a parasitic person attached to it and that is called my day stress and hellish living. my sight is becoming smaller and less of a open wide plain like it was before. my creativity is now fleeting, is this what getting another year older means? will i no longer have the option to be all mine and only mine, is mental frolicking done while every other person has just begun? i try to not always let the big black monster creep its way into my subconscious but that is not under my control anymore. i can keep it at bay but only for so long. my walls are getting weaker and beginning to crumble down to the doom of my crazy other self. i guess this could be a problem if she creeps her way back in. i won't be able to slip again, not ever with knowing i can make it back. my alter self likes to go on rampages and i myself want to stay in a chair and read write what she says to curl up and diiieee but i feel happy and content at my small balled up body. i find my sweet sensation of euphoria at that peculiar pose. my happiness may be a fleeting feeling, i savor each moment in the warmth of its grasp. i am ever dying ever lying ever smiles and ever trying i can't always put on that fake plastic like smile, i can't always be that perfect china doll sitting pretty on the shelf. instinct kicks me out and breaks the fragile shell, leaving a rebel spirit to revel in the moonlight, howl like a wolf and roar like thunder, the only part of me that dances prettily in the pouring rain and hail, the side i always want out and to show the world I AM NO PERFECT CHILD! i can't ever be that china doll on the shelf, i want to be that me that breaks free of her chains and defies all the rules, who lives the life she wants not the one prescribed by the surroundings.
i will strive for that rebel whose face i hardly know. i will become her and no longer be that pretty little fragile china doll sitting idly on the shelf as life goes by in the short blinks of her eyes.