Today I deleted that voicemail. I listened to him say he loved me one more time and then I hit the button and whispered "I love you too".
I've found that I'm coming to a place where I need to make a decision. Am I going to cut every little scrap of him out of my life... pictures, gifts, being here on Gaia... or am I going to allow myself to hold onto little bits and pieces in the hope that we can have something... anything... again someday.
Honestly, I don't know. Lyn is giving me the choice. He is not pushing me either way. But Casey... even with him saying nothing, I feel... pushed away. Of course, that's all my perception of nothingness. In reality, I don't know if he even cares if I stay or go. He could hate me by now or he could be really upset if I left. I don't know and that makes it hard. This isn't just about me or just about me and my family, he is still a part of this. I still care about how he feels whether I know how that is or not. So what if leaving for good either doesn't affect him at all or helps him be happier? Then I guess that would be the right thing to do. But what if it hurts him and makes him feel like I don't care and lose any hope he did have? What if I'm the only one with hope? This is my dilemma. This is the burden of not knowing. This is why I'm going to stay at least a while longer. I think, after a bit more time passes, I'm going to talk to Lyn about what I'm thinking and make sure it won't piss him off if I approach Casey, just once and ask him how he'd feel about me leaving. I don't know if he'd even respond. Does he want me to leave? Does he want me to stay? Does he just want me here so he can feed off of my affection while I have nothing from him anymore? I don't know. Leaving would probably help me in some ways. Eventually I'd stop worrying about if he's paying attention to me or if he actually still loves me. I wouldn't be concerned with whether or not I will hear from him again, because I'd know I wouldn't. On the other hand, I don't want to give up the hope that we can talk again. The problem with that is I'm pretty sure everyone involved still sees no way he and I can be in regular contact without having a romantic relationship with each other... unless he is pissed at me. I know I've said some things here and there... much of it out of pain, frustration, and anxiety... and maybe, maybe I want him to hate me. I honestly don't know. This is the first time in my life I feel like I really have no clue how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking except... numb. I sit in the dark biting my lips til they bleed, starring at the wall wondering what I'm supposed to do. If I weren't pregnant, I'd probably be either trashed frequently or dead. I feel like I'm dangerously on the brink of becoming much like the shell of the person I was when he first found me. If I can't be strong without him, was I ever really strong at all? Can I be strong? Who the hell am I? Who the hell is he? That is one question I know I don't know the answer to. I hate all these unanswered questions. This stress cannot be good for me or the baby... this baby... she's keeping me going. Otherwise, I fear, I would have nothing left...
I am not strong.