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Internet Musings
A collection of rantings, short and long stories, and general blah-blah-blah.
A Friend Who Listens
I feel like I'm grabbing for attention. Everything is always wrong with me. Why can't I go a week without saying something about my problems? Opening up to people... what a joke. I hate myself so much right now...

This is why, on the internet at least, I try to be a happy person, someone who would listen instead of complaining, but somehow, even with my best efforts, I always end up talking about myself. People always end up getting to know me. And the more forgiving they are of me, the more I begin to show my real self. My whole angle is lost. Then I have to re-invent myself as another personality. How many different email addresses will I create? How many different avatars with yet another unique back story will I make up until I have no more creativity? I want to stop running away.

God... I want someone to talk to so bad. What can I even say? What is it that's in my heart that is always crying to get out? Why do these tears never seem to run dry? This is so tiresome. I hate myself. I hate doing this. I hate this stupid routine of feeling constantly depressed by the same triggers. Maybe if they were at least different I wouldn't feel so bad talking about them, but I feel like my voice is sandpaper, wearing down patience. Oh... who am I kidding? Even if my problems were constantly different, it wouldn't change. I would be the girl who always finds something bad inside of everything. Which is exactly who I am and exactly who I am trying not to let people find out about.

I can't even pretend to people who can't see my crying face behind the monitor. Why is my body so unnecessarily honest? Why is it so wrong to just isolate myself. I'm tired of getting on people's nerves, I'm tired of people trying to help me and just making me feel worse about myself. I'm tired of people extending loads of compassion to me, because it makes me feel like a shitty person who just takes advantage of other people's ears.

You know, none of that is actually what I'm doing. I'm not trying to see the negative in everything, I'm just being honest about how things make me feel. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Accept my feelings rather than live in denial? And I'm not trying to take advantage of people's kindnesses, I'm trying to reach out, I'm crying out for help, for someone to listen to me, even when I don't want to be listened to. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Share my feelings with anyone who will listen rather than hiding my heart and letting it turn to stone?

I just... this is what I feel like everyone thinks of me. It's the way they do things. When I start venting, they start telling me the reasons why I shouldn't feel or act that way, or that I'm being too negative, or they give me all of the "you should have"s and all of the "this is what you can do"s, when really all I ever wanted is ONE PERSON to just tell me that they understand me. Tell me that I'm not crazy, that it's alright to feel the way I feel, that I'm not a freak or a bad person, that I'm human, that I'm not going crazy and making all of this s**t up, that it's actually happening, that I'm real, that there is a point to my existence, that my feelings make me who I am and they accept me for that, that they love me, truly, truly love me, and they won't betray me (and then they don't, which hasn't happened yet). I want to feel liked. I want to feel... loved, even... and not for who I pretend to be, not for who everyone thinks I should be or who I think I should be. I want to be myself and have someone love that side of me. I always feel guilty. I feel like I'm made to feel guilty because I'm different, and no one else thinks or feels that way. No one says, "Yes, I felt like that before", and if they do say that, they never dwell on that fact. That's what I want to know. That someone else has actually felt this way and that it sucked and tell me about it in detail so I can believe them completely. Then you can tell me what helped you, but never force your solution on me. Just let it resonate with me if it does, and if it doesn't, I will find my own way.

All this ranting... I don't have any energy left.


Petit_Nuage_Gris
Community Member
Petit_Nuage_Gris
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  • [02/01/14 04:26am]
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