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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
Seeing Some Light
I'm looking much better weight wise and I'm eating better. Last week I had a disturbing dream where the second half we tried to communicate with spirits because there was one that was causing disturbances. We moved in a ritualistic dance then locked hands in a circle so the spirit was trapped between us. We moved that way so the spirit would see our backs and get drawn in like he could attack. Turns out the spirit was Axel. He looked like a spirit from Insidious. He was shriveled up from my non believing and lack of love. I fell apart when I saw him. The guy stabbed him in the back and then Axel turned his back to me. "He only gets to turn away twice" then we get to kill him I suppose. I dropped my hand and awoke with a pain around my ankle like Axel was digging his nails in to my skin to hold on to me. I was devastated that morning. I was filled with fear, shame, anger, and sadness. I thought I had killed him but there he was in my dream!

On another note, Teej messaged me today in Facebook. ********, right? "Hey. You might think that I hate you, but I don't. I don't know if you hate me or not. I wouldn't blame you if you did. Either way, it'd be nice to talk again sometime, maybe through messenger or something. I really hope that you're doing ok." I replied "I would like that, but we would have to take it slow." Her reply was "That's fine. I feel the same way." I'm not going to read into this except to say that I never thought it would happen like that. I don't understand it and I don't trust it. I told my brother that I thought she might be getting married. That's the only reason I can think of that she would want to talk to me at all. I don't know if we could ever be friends. I honestly don't know. I try to wrap my head around it and I just don't know how you forgive so much pain. I've put myself through so much pain because of our histories. If I had everyone back, I totally could move on. Alone as I am, I don't think our friendship was that powerful. I think it was powerful but not enough to cover the years of college experiences that she had and all the friends she made. I would be so far behind.

I miss Jordan. I need to call her to ask what is going on. ; w ; I hope she isn't giving up Gaia, but if it is a good reason then I totally support her.

I signed up for eharmony. Yesterday there weren't many guys that were cute but today there were three. Ooh la la~!





 
 
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