I am really getting hit right now... not sure why.
I know it shouldn't matter now, but I'm about to cry.
I think about how he's always flirted and stuff with other girls and I have to wonder if I really ever meant much to him at all. Did we really have what I thought we had? Will he really love me with all of his heart forever like he said? I want to believe. I want to trust him. I've always wanted to trust him , but that's what got my heart ripped to shreds in the first place. I know it shouldn't matter now, but it does, to me. He matters to me. Whether or not I matter to him. These damn tears are for him. I think it's just all this crap getting to me. He's not there to hold me, so every little thing just pulls at my insecurities and breaks me down. I'm ******** tired of crying over someone who isn't there. Never in my life have I wished more that he was there. Even if I tried to give up on what I'm doing, he wouldn't let me. Part of me says it's because he cares and is trying to help, but there's always that fear and doubt nagging in my mind saying "Honey, be realistic, he's moved on. You don't matter anymore." Why does it even matter? If I'm going to walk away, why does the thought of losing his love hurt so damn much. Why do I even worry about this s**t? Because I love him. He gets to know I love him. I get to sit here and cry and regret half of my life. It's this fight I've always had since our fall out... the wanting to trust him and being able to do so for the most part, but still having that nagging doubt. It's not his fault though. It's all my own insecurities, fears, and inward ********.
It's so stupid. I get all upset over whether or not his love is real and lasting, but I know I don't really doubt him because the other half of the time, in my mind, I'm just begging him to give me any sign that he is still with me. I know he can't and he won't. Well, he could, but he won't. I feel like a ******** junkie in detox. There's this painful burning through my entire being and a serious desire to just give up.
I've started to think, if he did love me, which I know he did... if he can see all this and what I've become now... surely he wouldn't love me anymore. Who could love what I've become? I'm pathetic and dependent. I have become the exact things that always repelled him.
I am so lost. When do the tears stop?