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Solipsism: A Love Story
New Era
I've been a member of GaiaOnline for seven years. It feels almost like disloyalty to have abandoned my account for so long.

I'm leaving my old entries untouched so I can feel nostalgia at random moments in the night, sift through each block of text, cringe at my 10-13 y/o self's naivety and obnoxiousness, and immediately regret my sentimentality. Rinse and repeat.

I've missed Sal. Though I cannot know truly how she feels of me, I've felt a kinship stronger with her than I have with anyone else in my life. She is my oldest (both literally and temporally) friend and I love her so very, very dearly. I regret that she had to meet me as an immature, pretentious little 10-year-old, but I don't ever regret me meeting her. To say that Sal was largely formative in my life would an understatement. I probably would not be who I am today without her.

For my preteen years, Sal was my confidant, my best friend, my sister, and somewhat my mentor. There was nothing I couldn't confide in her. Tears--actual tears--are welling in my eyes as I type, blurring the screen and dripping from my eyelashes, as I think about how so close to my heart she was and still remains. I don't think 'love' is a strong enough word to convey my feelings for her.

I regret subjecting her my incoherent blabbing about nothing but me, me, me and my ideas, my life, my feelings. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was treating someone with an intellect and patience far beyond anything I could comprehend as a mere diary. She was the only person in my life who listened earnestly (though I wouldn't be surprised if she resented it most of the time) and I took full well advantage of that. I am sorry.

It was because of my selfishness, my own minuscule attention span, my habit of taking good things for granted, that we stopped talking.

My influence on her is dubious, but she certainly shaped me into the person I am today. My creativity (which, I admit, has waned since we ceased contact), my ability to observe things critically, my passions, my interests all stem largely from her. She introduced me to so much, taught me so much, and I can never be thankful enough.

I think the only way I can even begin to thank her is reunite our friendship and learn from my mistakes in the past. Talk less, listen more. Ask more questions.

Though we drifted apart for years, we met new, separate friends and acquaintances, lived separate lives, though the distance between us emotionally became as far as the distance between us physically, Sal is and will always be my very best friend.

I feel I've prated on enough for now.

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  • User Comments: [1]
    Community Member

    Tue Jan 28, 2014 @ 05:03am

    Pfffft, you are waaaay too hard on yourself, my dear. You are, have been, and always will be my dearest online friend (and surrogate little sister). The only reason I "stopped" talking to you is because of my constantly intermittent online presence and my hopping between various obsessions which left me not paying attention to things like Gaia and the other various mediums we chatted on for long periods of time. (Also because sometimes it was hard to find you, as Gaia has been the only online community I can be called "consistent" on, I forget to stalk dA as often as I should, I had to do my work's Facebook for a long time and didn't want to do much personal stuff on it, and I still fail at figuring out tumblr. OTL) So forgive me for that if you can.

    I honestly don't think Rabbit and Coyote would have even survived as characters in my head for long without you, much less developed as they have over the past...nearly seven years. You were curious about them and wanted to know more, and your interest sparked more creativity than I knew I had. (I honestly think part of the reason I haven't thought as much about them of late is because we haven't been chatting, as I will always associate them with you in my mind.)

    And hey, be fair, you introduced me to a number of things as well! Kuroshitsuji and Sherlock spring to mind, among plenty of other things. Heck, you even made me try drawing again, though I still fail epically at it. Your art, on the other hand, has grown and improved so, so very much. It is amazing, as is your dedication and creativity. (Your Coyote art is still on my desktop half the time, FYI.)

    I hope you still feel you can talk to me whenever about whatever. I'll listen as long as I have eyes, ears, and internet access. (And I'll be sure to bore you with my stuff, too.) :3

    User Comments: [1]
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