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The Book of Alan
This is the the Book of Alan. I just write whatever in here. These are mostly to my girl, but all are welcome.
Hey. So I'm writing this as I lay with you one the phone, slipping between sleep and consciousness in that adorable way you always do. I think I'm going to be writing in the journal more consistently. Maybe not. I dunno. The thing is... recently I've been more... in my head. Thinking long and hard when I don't need to. I need to stop because I'm afraid it makes me I dunno... secretive. I don't want to tell you things even though I know you'll help. It's stupid but... I dunno. It's just... I feel like I'm a shitty boyfriend and whole bunch of other s**t that I know isn't true. Just... I don't know and that's what pisses me off the most! This makes me feel like I'm literally just being a whiny b***h all the ******** time and I know it's not like that. It can't be. It obviously can't be true that I'm whining because I hardly ever say anything no matter how much it bugs me because I don't want to bother other people. It's so stupid! I just need to calm the ******** down. God I don't even want you to read this, but if you don't I'll never say it. I just... *sigh* okay. Feeling... better now. Tired too. Maybe I'll doze right off. I'm scared though. of so much stuff it's stupid. At the same time.. I'm hung up on an Eminem line: "I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blow his composure" And I know I don't have to be but some stupid side of me wants to be. I thing that the star at the top of this rotted tree is that I know you don't want me to be like this but... here I am.

Actually... I feel like I'm trapped between to song lyrics. One from before, and the other one which is by Watsky. "There's 7 billion 47 million in the world and I have the audacity to think I matter." So basically... in my head... either I have to hold up the planet, or add to the weight of whoever actually does.. At the moment, in my logical brain I realize I fall at a decent place in between but... okay. I;m done now.

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