I know a lot of it has to do with the time of the year. I’m definitely one who gets down and stays down during the cooler/winter months. I’m the kind of person that thrives on sunshine and warm weather and being outside. I feel locked when I can’t go outside and run, take the dog for a walk, or just work out in my garden. With that said, I know a lot of it has to do with the month of February getting closer and closer. February is a horrible month for me because my brother was murdered on February 20, 2005. Just thinking about it now and I start to cry, maybe because right now I miss him more than anything. I can’t begin to express what I would do to just talk to him for five minutes. I feel so much guilt about him dying anyway because I was the last person to talk to him and it would have been so simple for me to stop him from going. His birthday is February 28, so the last month of February is always very difficult for me. And I spend the entire month dreading it those last 8 days. Plus, it just so happens that a lot of tragic things happen in February. I just really hate the month. Last year, so many people died during that second month. My great grandpa, my uncle (who died on February 20, also) Karen. It was a literal every three days I woke up to a knock at the door, my mom and dad waiting on the other side, waiting to tell me that someone else had passed away. I have that weighing on my mind.
Things are just really stressful right now. James is having what the doctor calls the +60 slump. He is now at +73, and his platelets and blood counts SOARED a few weeks ago. Things were going great. I mean, as great as you can be. He still wore out after very simple tasks, like doing the dishes, walking back and forth to the clinic or car, folding the laundry, so on, and still does. And things are still okay, sort of, ya know? I cannot stress enough that things aren’t black and white for us - he absolutely needs help, he wears out, sleeps around 12-15 hours a day, and he deals with unpleasant side effects that I’ll spare you the details of. I wish that I could go out for a night, or a couple days (or even take a job a distance away, if anyone happened to see me talking about my job interview in Washington DC) and not have to worry, but it’s just not that way. He has no immune system, a common cold has the potential to kill him, and ugh. He is doing better, but it’s just a waiting game. He was sure that once he had the transplant, and he started to recover that he’d feel back to normal. What he didn’t realize is that that can take upwards to a year. And it’s definitely taking it’s good old sweet time. They call a stem cell transplant your new birthday because you immune system, your body is basically killed and then reborn, so his body is like that of a baby that is 73 days old, so two and a half months. What do babies who are 2.5 months old do? They can’t sit up on their own yet even. Patience is not his strong point, and it’s hard for him to see me off to go to the gym to take a Midnight Zumba class or just go out and run on the treadmill in the small workout room they have at The Hope Center. On top of that, his blood counts are starting do drop because of that +60 day slump, and the doctor is ordering extra blood work and maybe even another biopsy (he had one the week I went to DC) just to be on the safe side, and it brings up sooo much stress and worry for us. He’s always so positive, but now he’s pessimistic, I’ll be honest - and we all know it. Some people have their glass have full. THERE IS NO GLASS FOR ME. The glass is shattered on the floor, in a zillion pieces, and the liquid that was in the glass is all over the floor and I have a huge mess to clean up. A positive day for me means, that the glass is just empty, or something? And two sad people don’t make a happy one. It’s just hard.
On top of that, I just really am having a lot of, just, frustration. I feel like I can get no satisfaction anywhere. I just feel like, except for James, I have no one. I miss being in school, where I had people to talk to about various things. Or, working with people who actually like me. I was working at Meijer. I was told to get a flu shot or get fired. I called my lawyer, and I kept my job, and didn’t get a flu shot. And then all my coworkers started to hate me. Uh, sorry, if you have a problem with it, call your lawyer? It worked for me, it will work for you. I cannot get the flu shot. Not only am I 100% AGAINST vaccinations (and I have a nursing degree!! I am well educated on this) but I can not have it because I could easily pass it to James, and the flu virus can would kill him. No immune system, viruses can’t be fought with antibiotics, his body would just be taken over by the virus. Between my coworkers hating me and causing s**t, and then going to our supervisor over stupid s**t, it just got too much for me. It cost me more to drive to and from work. I put more gas in my car than I got paid, so it necessarily isn’t a huge loss, but I’ve worked at Meijer since 2005, since the summer between my junior and senior year, and then every summer. I was so excited about my Washington DC opportunity, but I couldn’t leave James. But I just felt like in that matter, I got zero support, or even acknowledgement about it. Like, I wrote about it in threads, and I think one person wished me luck. (I did get a comment from others, and I totally appreciate that, because that entire ordeal was so anxiety-inducing). It just really hurt to see people overlooking the very most important thing going on with me, but kissing the butts of the others who were either going on interviews, having exams, etc. Sometimes I feel like I have to bring up something really controversial to even get the slightest bit of attention, and of course, that makes me not the most liked person, but it’s either get ignored or be hated. I like to get love and attention too. I just sit around, look around, and see nothing, but then I see so many people who are just completely ignoring me, all while I’m screaming. And no one notices.
I have no idea what I crave or what I wish for, but currently I’m just really craving happiness as I enter the roughest time of the year. This s**t sucks.
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