------ Alright, Lets do this! I'm pumped because I haven't written in forever, and now I'm writing again. "I'm scared actually." I find myself using that phrase more than I should have. But I am scared. I'm afraid of loss and loneliness. I went mad a few weeks back because I found myself alone without human contact. There was literally no one on gaia, on the phone, in my dad's place that day. It lasted for like 3 hours. I played my guitar so hard that my hands were reduced to the texture of gelatine. It was madness. I started questioning life, the future and existence. But enough about that experience, I don't ever wish to relive it again. Selena got mad at me because I could have called her on the phone.
------I'm afraid of that too. I'm afraid of what she'll think of me and stuff. I was interrogated by my friends yesterday, wanting to know my real name and face. Of course naturally, my heart barriers went online. I don't wanna get attached to the people here too much. I'm afraid of losing them. Just like in the past cycles of Steel Commando, and Ayane Kuro. I don't want them to know me, because they could fade away just as Susan, Jessie, Matt and "Zayhne" have. So I'm sorry Anya, Kris, Allison, and James, if you are reading this. Its a ridiculously stupid reason. I want to break out of these barriers, but the fear of attachment, of hurting, and loss is too much. I'm sorry Selena... I'll give you a call soon. I promise.
------I'm also scared of next semester. One writing intensive, A physics lab and a calculus lab. But alas, what scares me the most is that I might not get here as much because of that calculus class that ends at 9:30pm. My classes start on the twenty seventh. I won't be on the weekend (I think) because I'm going to Philadelphia. So this is technically my last day. I'm afraid I won't see them as much. I'm afraid I'd lose them. If I do then I'd never forgive myself. But its ironic, that I refuse to give out information about myself, yet I don't want to lose these people. I'm thinking of changing that; maybe I'll take baby steps.
------So here's, my first baby step (Its more of a huge leap). Its more of a confession really. I haven't been honest about myself. No its not an identity crisis, because the core of this personality is still who I am. But there are a lot of fabrications about me that I have constructed in the sake of literature, character analysis and development. It also ties to the fact that I'm afraid to give information, because I'm afraid you won't like me, the "real" me. But as you can already tell, I'm a big a** liar with a guilty conscience. But you can also tell that I want to break out of these lies, so I could be more of myself with you guys because I'm afraid to lose you.
Thanks for reading... This is Anikacy, I think... Signing out!
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