I didn't hear a peep from him yesterday, as expected, though I didn't give up hope. I guess I just like to think that his love will hold on just as long as mine and that somehow he'll make sure I know it, but I know he probably thinks he shouldn't even if that is the case. Oh how I wish I knew.
Anyhow, I told Lyn what yesterday meant to me. He didn't have much to say. He just said he was sorry and held me. I guess that's improvement considering he's generally as comforting as a metal cactus up your a**. I told him I knew he probably didn't like hearing it, but I wanted to be open. Stepping away from Casey hurt... still hurts... will hurt for a long time. I want to give up and go back (if he'd still have me even), but I can't.
So I continue to distract myself with embroidery and bracelet making. Yesterday I added the Hulk to my character collection and made a hoop for the babies that says "read me a story, tuck me in tight, say a sweet prayer and kiss me goodnight." I thought it was cute and I'll likely hang it on their wall. Doing crafty things keeps my hands and mind busy, but it also kinda keeps me from housework and caring for myself. Lyn has noticed and has been handling most of the laundry and dishes himself. I'm not sure if it's because he's trying to help me while I'm struggling or because he just got tired of me not doing it when he wanted, but either way it helps me.
Last night Jason came and made dinner with me again. Apparently Tuesday night dinners with the ex and his man-wife are going to be a regular thing now. It's nice having a little help with dinner and the like. He even ended up helping put the little one to sleep. I'll miss having him around when he moves away after school. He's a bit too much of a pansy for me, but I like having him around. The man-wife, on the other hand, drives me crazy with his arrogance and stupidity. I can't say I'll be too sorry to see him go. I'm really hoping they finally separate.
Right now, the small one is napping and I'm just sitting here thinking. I might try to find another embroidery project or something to do. Being around here just sort of exhausts me emotionally, but I at least want to keep up on my journal.
*sigh* I miss him....