I have a lot of really random thoughts going on right now, so this may seem a bit disjointed.
Mostly I've just been thinking about wanting to be loved just as I am. I hate having to feel guilty for being a lover. I hate feeling like there are these standards of what a perfect wife should be that I'm always failing at. I have told Lyn more than once that I am not his mother and I will never be his mother, so if he expects me to be like her, he's out of luck. I can't keep up with everything he wants me to do, no matter how many times he tells me I can if I just make myself do it. I need a lot of rest right now, no matter how much he tells me it's all in my head and I'd do just fine on 6 hours of sleep. I am having trouble lifting my 32 lbs. little boy, seeing as I am 7 months pregnant, even if Lyn tells me I should have no trouble. I know what I can and cannot do and I am tired of being told it's all in my head or I'm just lazy or not motivated enough. I'm tired of feeling like asking for help is the most offensive thing I could do. I'm tired of being treated like an untrustworthy cheating whore when 1. I have done pretty much everything he has asked of me concerning stepping away from Casey (even though it hurts like hell and is really breaking me down) and 2. he always knew what was going on and even participated in it. I hate the way he always turns it back like I just didn't care about him and ran around behind his back doing whatever I wanted. I understand that right now it's hard for him to believe I'm not just going to go back to the way things were. Frankly, I don't want to believe it myself. I want Casey back. I miss him more than I can even say. I finally told Lyn last night that I know he hates that I can't just move on, so I don't tell him how I'm really feeling, but that I really miss Casey and it sucks. I almost started crying, but I don't think he noticed. At least he was sort of understanding. He gave me something like "I know it's hard. He was a big part of you." That's probably the most I ever felt like he got it. I know, in my head, he's trying to adjust too. I know he's assessing his own behaviors and occasionally saying "Alright, this isn't fair. I should be treating her better." He's even admitted as much, but it's still really hard for me to believe things are going to get better or that he'll ever let go of whatever he's holding against me, be it the reality of what happened or just his perception of it all. He said sometimes he thinks maybe, subconsciously, he's mean to test me and see if I'm going to run back to Casey for support. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, but 1. Casey wouldn't let me (he's just... too good, I guess. If nothing else, he doesn't want to be to blame if things fall apart.) 2. I made a commitment to try and fix things for my family and, no matter how bad it sucks, I need to stick that out and do everything I can until there is absolutely no hope left. My kids need me to do this. Honestly, I think I'm starting to see why Casey was so unsettled by me having children. He knew they would keep me fighting for this no matter how bad it got. He knew that fighting for them could take me away from him. I love my children and I don't regret them in the least, but I wish it didn't have to be this way. I just want him to take me in his arms so I can feel ok again. No one ever made me feel more like I was loved as I was or that I could get through anything. I wish, somehow, he could hold my hand through this all. I guess in a way he is though. Because I can remember all of his encouraging words and know that he just loves me and wants what's best for me. Strangely enough, he's still what is getting me through all of this, even when he seems to be completely gone from my life.
Heh, I almost hope he doesn't read any of this. As much as I've always been open with my feelings, I just don't know how all of this would make him feel right now. I worry about him... and then I worry that maybe I don't need to worry about him because it's not really that big of a deal for him. That thought hurts some, that he might be able to walk away from me easily, but I 'm pretty sure that's just my brain going off doing it's crazy worrying thing like it always does. Those are the thoughts I kinda don't want him to know about, but I never hid anything from him and, if he wants to see this, I will continue in that pattern.
Today, I noticed something that concerned me. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to post. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't even want to look and see if he had been on. I feel like maybe I'm starting to just give up, but then I think about that and I start to cry. I may have tossed his letter in my garbage, but there are still several days for me to rescue it before garbage day. I still can't delete my voicemail. I need to hear that "love you" still or at least to just know it's there if I ever do need it. Every song I listen to these days makes me think of him. Now, I'm no Miley Cyrus fan by any stretch of the imagination, but there's one line in wrecking ball that keeps coming to me "Don't you ever say I just walked away. I will always love you." That pretty much sums it up.
Anyhow, I've been rambling enough I think, so I'm just going to leave this here before I start crying again.