I'm sleeping away my days on purpose and not on purpose. I'm eating to feel complete and when it's time to go to bed, I stay up and cry. I tend to just think about how I must force myself to sleep. What kind of person has to do that?
My roleplay is seriously ******** with my head. I just want to be responsible for posting and making fun things for people. I don't want to eat all this stress about whether people are being active, if I am making one group unhappy, or when things are due BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T NEED TO DO THAT ANYMORE. But, that is what a mod does. It is just, taking a toll on me right now. I am... barely getting on Gaia these days. It helps that they keep releasing cash items every ******** day. That is certainly driving me away. It makes me feel like they are desperate.
I saw the Hobbit. It didn't make me emotional. It just, didn't affect me. There was little to inspire. I was certainly awed by the dragon but otherwise it was just another good movie. I haven't seen a revolutionary movie in a while.... scratch that, I saw Hunger Games 2. Pfft that was good. That inspired.
I'm definitely cracking. I start having those thoughts that... I just don't want to live. I don't do anything but it doesn't help that my ******** scars are like... faded. They..... they look like birthmarks or stretch marks on my arms. It is so tragic I cry when I think about it. They were so beautiful. Now, now.... now they these.... repulsive... not me. NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME NOT ME! This body isn't mine! I don't know! Gods, its just so repulsive. These are not MINE! THIS WASN'T ME!
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