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2013-2014 Blues
"I’m sorry that i have no energy and I’m sorry I’m depressed and can’t sleep at night and I’m sorry that when I do fall asleep I sleep until 3 and I’m sorry I’m no fun to be around and I’m sorry I’m so insecure and can’t eat the same food you do and im sorry I’m going no where in life and have no reason to even wake up." - Unknown (Or the whole of Tumblr, basically)

Life just doesn't feel like it's worth the effort or energy anymore. It hasn't for a long time actually. I saw something that I've been thinking about for a while now--with all the hours you log into work and study (that you work to pay huge amounts for) when do you ever that time spent out of your life back? You spend endless hours trying to please anybody but yourself (because that's the way life works) and what do you get for it, really?

How many people running the hamster wheel actually get their dream job or even anything remotely close? And I say all of that feeling like s**t knowing I never put any real effort into anything other than video games in the first place.

I keep wishing, hoping my medication will be the magic fairy godmother spell to turn me into a happy, successful, productive human being (mostly the productive part, that's what's important) but as soon as I start feeling good about what I'm doing I ******** up somehow (and get regularly reminded of it by myself included) and that's permanently banked into my memories. What few I've managed to keep up with.

And though I like to tell people that depression/anxiety is different for everyone; some need therapy, some moral support, living a healthier life, medication or some combination of all of the above (and I sometimes believe this)--I'm also sometimes reminded that drugs aren't really natural and shouldn't be needed to function like a normal human being. Sometimes it just feels wrong to be taking meds. Doesn't help that I'm also reminded (also by myself included) that my lifestyle is VERY likely a huge contributing factor to my depression.

I wanna be a better person.
I wanna work hard and go outdoors (at all even) and exercise and eat well and not be scared of living on my own and get better at what I wish could be my trade but probably never will be
and I wanna be good at school and not hate math and not panic everytime the word "essay" comes up and get over my fear of sex and tongue in my mouth and p***s??
and LOVE someone really love someone
Not just hope to someday because they're good to me or good for me--
I want to love and be loved by a best friend that I'm genuinely attracted to, not because they look good (which'd be nice) but because that's how I feel about them and will ALWAYS feels about them

But life leads me to believe this is a huge ********' fairytale and I just need to settle down with soemone I can tolerate living with and satisfy the sexual needs of and work hard at jobs life gives me and I KNOW you have to make due with what you're dealt and people HAVE wonderfully but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don't see the reward for LIFE

So I do nothing. And get nothing.

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes. Working jobs we hate, to buy s**t we don't need. We're the middle child of history man, no place or purpose. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression... is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe we'd be billionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. We're slowly learning that fact." - Fight Club

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