more rants. go away.
tl; dr: http://heyluchie.tumblr.com/post/53461087106/my-comic-introversion-is-finished-please-go-to
hopefully i'll never have to rant about this again.
we went out for dinner, me and a group of seven friends. they spent the entire time talking about a girl i didn't know who they are not really friends with anymore.
she's complicated, with an abusive boyfriend who does her schoolwork for her so she now has a very good job with google. she's smoked since high school and some of us were surprised, her parents encourage her not to eat, they tell her to use her boyfriend, he's controlling and a rapist, she's very cocky and has loose morals, she's nobody's friend, etc. etc. etc.
last night, my roommate, in his pushy way, asked, "what do you think about life? do you still feel the same way about people?"
he says, "it's sad. it's just very sad." about me.
i went to to bed trying to figure out the layers.
i tell him, "some people are not worth being friends with and you can tell pretty quickly."
he says, "you shouldn't judge. you need to get to know people. get out there."
i say, "if you want to be my friend, you come to me and talk. making friends isn't a top priority for me. i have other things to do."
i say, "i dislike most of the population" and "most people are incredibly boring." and they are not worth being friends with.
i say, "LISTEN. BETWEEN WHAT I SAY AND WHAT I FEEL IS THE TRUTH."
i don't think he gets it and i don't get it either. why can't i just say what i really believe? we all know i like people more than that; i care about friendships more than that. or at least i know. but he takes things at face value. he can't see the layers.
why do i make layers. that was what i was trying to figure out.
a layer is a protection, first. if it seems like you don't care, nobody can hurt you.
a persona is more comfortable to wear.
and it's also the truth. many people insist on being social and gossiping pointlessly about a girl for an hour straight, then moving on to what they did for winter break, how cold it is...but
it's so tiring for me to put on a happy face when i don't feel it. and these petty things make me tired. why do we even care?
why don't we talk about new ideas or why don't we enjoy the quiet. why do we have to go along in groups to events we're not interested in.
anyway so, i've chosen independence at the cost of social connections, we'll see how that weighs out.
on the way back, the girls linked arms and the link spread and ate us, and we were a line of six linking arms and blocking the sidewalk and the people who passed us laughed as we tried to maneuver around them, as we ran, because it is below freezing.
it is a good inspiration for a monster: a creature with twelve legs and six heads, a moving wall on a freezing winter's night, chasing you down. that was fun, though i was really self-conscious.
anyway, my roommate thinks i'm angry at him, and i guess i'm just tired of him implying there's something wrong with me.
i never told anyone my birthday, but he made a card at least, and it said, "release your inhibitions."
how about you suck my d**k, you nutso psych major you.
i have no inhibitions; i have different ******** priorities, ******** you.
i said to a friend about my roommate, "i feel like he's the good angel and i'm the devil on your shoulder" when i was telling him how he should be less trusting so people won't take advantage of him.
and my roommate said, "it's not like that!"
basically, i know i'm quiet and i don't contribute much to the conversation and so i must make you uncomfortable, i'm sorry, and basically i end up trying to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with me, because i always feel like everyone thinks there is. i'm not depressed. i'm not inhibited. i'm just different from you.