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my diary ~
Day 187: Empty Face
New year. Woohoo. Shame it will be probably all too similar to last year, but I'll keep dreaming.

Today was another uneventful day in history class. Mr. Pino looked at me and out of nowhere said "David, you look stoic. Is everything ok?", I almost wanted to reply "If I wasn't, then something would be wrong", but I just said "yeah" instead, because I can't deal with all the attention. "You know what stoic is, right?" he asked me, I knew exactly what it meant, emotionless. For some reason I said "No...", is it because I know that's the answer most everyone would have said? Was I trying to fit in? When I said no, everyone else laughed, as in agreement, I felt kind of good bringing laughter and smiles to those around me, even if it did make me look stupid... so I knew I did the right thing... right? It's funny, people will ask me questions but I won't know how to respond. Is being genuine really all that important?

I sat with Michelle and Arletty in art class as usual afterwards. Arletty suddenly said something about how I don't even look normal. She said I looked like "a fake profile picture" or "an avatar". I didn't understand. She said I was something called "unreal", comparing me to this other girl, Elizabeth, who looks like a barbie in pictures. I kinda see what she meant, Elizabeth is beautiful after all, but I'm not like that.

Is there ever a time when how you look doesn't affect how you're treated? I'm so tired of having conversation revolve around whether I look "stoic", or "unreal", or anything else. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with it all. Sometimes I just wish I had no face. I think that would suit me best.


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