Death is ironically one of the most powerful aspects of our lives. Everybody has experienced it's sorrows, whether it be a friend, loved one or a pet. I am utterly surrounded by death, well not anymore. I've rid my self of making any new friends, but all of my old friends are dead. Just a series of terrible events kept picking them off, family too.
Today I will again, be going back to my childhood, into one of my first and most traumatic moments of death in my life, one I caused...
I remember it was Summer time, I lived on a pond and could go swimming any time. The day was as sunny as I can remember, nothing bothered me, except before I left my room to play outside a little black kitten of a new litter was missing. I didn't think anything of it, just thought she went to go wander around the house. There was 3 kittens, a black, a brown and a grey one.
It wasn't until I was on the lake in a speed boat, did it dawn on me, the horror that might've happened to the black kitten. The night before, she was crying, because she kept leaving her mother, I would get out of bed to put her back, but she'd wander away again. Finally I brought her in bed with me and cuddled her while I slept.
Was she still in the blankets? Was my thought on the boat... I urged my friend to bring the boat back, and I ran to my room. I pulled all the sheets carefully off my bed and there she was, like a black mouse, stiff. I touched her, she didn't move...
I smothered that poor kitten in my sleep, guilt weighed heavily on me. I didn't know how to admit it to everybody, so I never did, I just put her back with her family, and kept swatting at the mother because she was trying to eat the dead kitten. (I didn't know that's what mother's did yet.)
To this day, I realize this is where my self loathing stemmed, death can be powerful, but when you kill something, even if it is accidental it weighs heavily on the conscious and will never go away, because you can't take it back.
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