and emotionally confused as usual ?
The girl I had sex with on new year's (Sophie) actually wrote me back. Not on fb, but by text and I haven't been able to get my mind off her since (2-3 days?).
It's ridiculous, because we barely talked at the party! Me being me, we ran out of stuff to talk about really quickly - then she got drunk for a while with some other people at the party and yeah...
Is this what it feels like to be pussywhipped? But how could that be, the sex wasn't that great... I was terrible... Thinking about it, I was really, really terrible. She knew what she was doing though even if (as I later found out by her text) she was drunk out of her skull and can't even remember what happened.
I really cannot recognize human emotions.
So, is it that despite all my insecurities ( d**k problems, don't want an unwanted kid, don't want a rape accusation if she is one of those crazy women, etc.) I would still like a second shot at it with her?Why!?!?
I might have to admit that she is the best looking sexual partner that has dragged me into bed yet... Might it be that? Do I just want to feel her again or is it that I just want to feel somebody (anybody) again?
I must not forget what happened with Christina - just a marker of what can go wrong if I let myself go. And even with her I was lucky, that she wasn't a sociopath or simply batshit insane... far from it.
And yet... I'm feeling really inclined to just go ahead and ask her out on what would be my first real date ever. Hmm... "real date"... have I ever been on a fake date?
Let's see if I'll just forget her.
On a side note, Julie (the girl I started getting a crush on) is now together with a buddy of mine and we'll see how that turns out (hopefully my mind will slap my heart out of it's preposterous trance into the reality of necessary loneliness).
As a friend said (who got out of a relationship about a month ago and who is hopping into a new one now) "You and I a very similar, we are terrified of relationships" [and what they do to us].
More important things
The laptop I ordered myself for Christmas should be arriving next week! My wifi card has been acting up really badly and I can't wait to get my hands on the new laptop to test drive it
Has been slow lately.
Mostly because I have been messing around with my raspberry pi after the ******** ASIC grilled itself. I was hoping to run a freenet node on it with FMS (freenet message system?), but that didn't work I'll have to test another anon system so I can download a nice comic I've gotten into called Fathom by Aspencomics. Ah... a small detour into the world of failed legal procurement of goods, specifically ebooks.
I bought the remaining volumes of Fathom to read on the kindle application. To my surprise, I wasn't able to zoom freely into the pages. A double tap/click on a section would enlarge it, but not too much and barely enough to read! I couldn't extract ebook to single images, because of DRM so I was nearly stuck with comics I paid for, but wasn't able to read
Luckily I could return them and will have to obtain them by other means
Anyway... programming... yeah. Let's see how that goes
A trip to England is planned to see Ema's old uni and Ema's current uni It would be a week and I just have to ask my boss for the week off.
Then there's a trip to the U.S being planned with another relative to visit a relative.
And I have to send out CVs to Oz, Ukraine, the Netherlands and Canada. And register myself for a French class and a French exam... hmm... writing all this up, I just noticed how much there is to do
Oh well, I'll sleep on all of it and see what I'll get done tomorrow...
One wank before bed!
· Sat Jan 11, 2014 @ 10:11pm · 0 Comments