For days on end I have been doing nothing, but what I do everyday. I wake up, shower, maybe eat, head to work, when I get home I play on the computer and then we cuddle until we fall asleep. It's not much, but I'm content. I enjoy my job and being around people for the first time. None of them know me. They don't know how weird, obsessive and impulsive I am. How lousy my judgement is. They don't know that I've rushed into a serious relationship. They only see this happy-go-lucky girl, eager to work hard and make friends with everyone she sees.
They haven't the slightest clue how dark my mind is, how emotions storm my heart and how filthy I am, physically and also my very soul.
I stare into his eyes and wonder why he loves me. I wonder why we are together and if he is dragging me down, or more likely, if I am dragging him down. He only smiles, his pupils dilating when they meet mine. His hand caresses my cheek and I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. His hand on my head, massaging my pulsing brain or softly touching me is always the most soothing.
Does that mean I love him? Does that mean that we are meant for each other? It's true; I fear the day when he becomes bored of me or comes to his senses that I'm a psychotic b***h and there are much better women out there for him. Is it too late? Have I already ruined him?
The floor vibrates and the house shakes as the train goes by. The sound brings me back to reality. I steady my cup of tea and stare out the window. It's a gloomy day. The sky is grayish green, the wind shakes the trees and every mutt in the neighborhood is barking his head off in the cold.
I close my eyes and clear my head as much as possible. The computer screen is bright and blinding. What are you doing here? the eerie voice floats through my head. I shrug and wonder. Is there a more fitting place for me? Do I truly not belong? I sigh.
And for now I'm satisfied and have nothing else to say.
It is a few weeks later. The stress seems to have piled upon me. The house is a disturbing mess that makes visitors blush with embarrassment for us. How could you possibly live this way? the voice burns through. I am living though. At the very least, I am alive.
I kick past the dirty laundry and blankets from our bed on the ground. On the nightstand is my pills. I swallow some down the old water bottle that has been sitting there for a day or maybe a few. My eyes stay fixated on the new lamp. Possibly the only unscathed and clean thing in the room. You are despicable. I try to ignore the voice, but know that it is right.
I've been watching a lot of anime lately, a lot of movies, reading manga and books too. I am eager to escape reality when I'm at home. I just want to get away. For a long while now I have been happier at work, beg my fiance to let us go out to eat or window shop or run "errands" that I insist we do simply so I don't have to be there.
He must have noticed that I'm exhausted by the mess. How silly; he doesn't notice anything... the voice laughs at me. Surely he has though?
I stay away the few nights I need sleep for work, they've cut my hours due to budgeting. It just means more time here, at home. I am lucky to get four hours of sleep before I have to get up. On the nights that I don't have work I stay up late and then sleep for ten to twelve hours. Those days I am more exhausted.
Everything makes me sick to my stomach. I am never feeling "good" anymore. It is because of my unhealthy habits? I feel disgusted with myself, so perhaps that is effecting my physical health.My overall mood is rotten to the core. I try to pray to God, but then that voice... You are a fool. He doesn't want you. He is ignoring you and all of your blasphemy. You disgust him and everyone else. What are you doing here? Who are you?
My computer gurgles itself awake, the screen blinking on. It is old and tired; tired of me. There are no new messages. No surprise there.
J R A T I F I E D