And just as I thought it wasn't getting any worse than this, just as I thought I was on my way to the long road of recovery, s**t happens. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it seems I've developed a fear of socializing or meeting people outside of a contained situation like work. Of course I've never really been able to make friends at work, but just when I thought I had....one invites me to a New Years Eve party....& I can't bring myself to go. Not because I don't like them, but because I'm genuinely afraid things will just go wrong & a huge fiasco will develop over something stupid like it's been doing in my life since I've started working. I hate people in general, stupid people more than anything yes, but I've always been able to go headstrong into a social situation unafraid & very willing to give someone a chance to make friends. Not that night & not for many nights even before New years eve.
I was excited getting my own place gave me the opportunity to meet complete strangers for sex again without all the hassel of making sure no one's home. I was kidding myself apparently, I haven't been able to do it since moving in & it's been 6 months. It's not that there's not enough willing individuals I'm simply too afraid for some reason. I make excuses why I can't invite them even when 1 is resolved I immediately find another, like I did New Years night, but I'm still dreaming of the a** hole of an ex I don't want to exist in my memory anymore.
Why?! why can't I just forget & get my feet wet with a new physical partner! Why am I suddenly so afraid when I wasn't before breaking up with him?! I have no problems with NSA relationships that's how I met him in the first place he was just a 1 night stand, or rather was supposed to be but my lingering feelings got the best of me. Now I feel ugly for some reason, I don't want to put on make up, paint my nails, do my hair or put in any effort to even make myself even remotely attractive & I don't understand why. I don't want to leave the house even if I say I do unless it's to go to an already established friends' house or party.
I don't know what's going on or why the sudden fear, but it's making me feel like such a looser & recluse that it's making me even more depressed. I'm so afraid of peoples' judgements of me sometimes, but at other times I could give two craps less. I also don't feel like attempting to pursue a new relationship with a male even though I made 2 profiles on 2 different sites (I tried to make it extremely clear I wanted a female, but only the guys keep showing interest) I'm honestly afraid to try to go any further than the online profile...no matter what I've said to close friends or co-workers.
That's why I called it a phobia because it is indeed irrational & suddenly came out of nowhere. I sabotage a possible meeting or get together I was already nervous as hell over for no good reason. All this only started happening after our breakup, but since when did he get so influential over me?
I hate myself & my life.
· Sun Jan 05, 2014 @ 06:52am · 0 Comments