I have an interview for a hospital in Washington, DC. I applied, sent in my resumé, submitted my letters of recommendation, and the next morning they were calling and wanting to set up an interview. We had a little interview on Skype, and they asked if I had any issues relocating. I said that we were anxious to relocate, and we were both very familiar with Washington, and knew our way around Arlington and the Roslyn district of Arlington, but that I really wanted to be able to tour the facility and make sure it was right for me. They completely understood and offered to help pay for travel expenses so I could tour the facility and get an idea. I'll leave next week, but I won't be gone long.
I'm very confident, but the more I think about it, the more anxious I get. James and I have talked about it, and this is a one in a lifetime dream job when it comes to the nursing field...those who know me best know how I feel about nursing. I am very conflicted. I do like nursing, but I feel like I do enough nursing taking care of James. But he brought up that for a while, he will have to be in Cincinnati, and when he joins me in DC granted this all goes well, that I should not have to be his "nurse" so I won't have an overload of nursing. That's what's turning me off now. I am so overwhelmed. Anyway, he can't join me right away. He needs his doctors at UCHMC, and we'll have to definitely sell the condo to buy a house or find an apartment in Virginia (or Maryland, Delaware, possibly Pennsylvania and New Jersey, but Virginia is ideal). We've been talking about how we need to get away and start living our own life away from my very difficult to deal with parents, but I'll just come out and say it. I take a big talk, but when it comes to walking the walk... I'm scared. Shitless. I love Washington DC area. James lived there for a while in 2005-2006. But I don't want to be separated from him during the most difficult time. I won't be working with children. I'm afraid we'll make big moves and I'll hate it. I'll be living alone for a while (my cousin Josh, who lost both legs in Afghanistan will be there though, his and my aunt Barb, so I WILL have family is close proximity and I've been in contact with them. Plus another friend and her husband and daughter live in off hospital campus housing, her husband was wounded in Afghanistan, but they'll be going home soon.
Leaving my horse who is boarded at mom and dad's farm, and Ja's family (my family, I love them, but they're ruining everything James and I have worked for. We wouldn't be in the dire position we are in if it weren't for them and their very manipulative ways...) and just everything we've both known. I lived in Connecticut for a year, and James was away when he was in the military, but that's it. We always came back after brief times away when you consider a year our of the 26 and 27 we've been alive... This would be possibly a forever thing.
Here are some thing I definitely know. I need a good job. I need something that will help me get back to feeling useful and helpful again. I've not been doing well lately. I am constantly told by my family that I am a loser, I'm lazy for not having a decent job despite my degree, and with those degrees, all I have to show for myself is working at Meijer 20 hours a week, and it costs more to put gas in the car than I get paid. Something has got to give. I'm happy I got married, and I'm thrilled that James is doing okay (not great, but not bad, just okay, which we're happy with) but there are some things missing. Babies, for one, but something else, and it's the happiness or the feeling of confidence I had when I was doing something: going to school, subbing permanently, teaching parenting classes, working with the children in the teen parent daycare, hell, even nannying. When I was doing something. Right now I feel like what my family calls me every time they see me, a lazy loser with no drive or motivation to make myself successful. I have motivation to make myself better physically (I'm addicted to working out) but not successfully, and to them that makes me lazy.
I haven't even told Becca about this. No one knows except James, my dad, Alex, Ja's friends, Helen, and now whoever reads this. I feel so lost.
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