new year, new me. bull s**t. same s**t, different year. but the thing is, im with brandon again. i don't want to be. i want to be with someone else. i like max. i think he knows it. everyone but him knows it anyway. i feel weird, because i don't want to cheat. but i don't have feelings for brandon. im a pushover. i care more about other people than myself, and so i let brandon guilt trip me into being with him. he told me he cut and smoked and drank because i wouldn't be with him. he told me he was contemplating suicide. i didnt know what else to do. my mom couldn't even give me proper advice. she told me that i would have to ignore him and let him hurt himself because its his problem. which it very well is his problem but, i felt obligated to be with him to make him happy even though i now am sacrificing my own happiness so he could be ok. i was hoping shortly after i could find a better solution. but everything i think of is simply too devious. i don't want to hurt him i need to let him down gently. its a very delicate situation. i was hoping i could wait like a month, not as to lead him on but as to give him time so i can show him i gave him a proper second chance which he spent 2 weeks begging for, and then tell him I've grown bored of the relationship or something. because i have. we have nothing in common, and theres nothing to talk about. we barely talk when we're together we just kind of stare at each other. its not at all what i want. and when we do talk it usually leads to a fight. we've been officially together for a total of four days and we've fought half the time. but we've been "dating" and by dating i mean i visited his house to play pokemon because he practically begged me, for about two weeks. and we also spent the majority of the time arguing. anyway we just got like 5 inches of snow and its still accumulating its expected to continue into tomorrow. its perfect for sledding, so i asked max to go with me and he said he would. but the huge roadblock is brandon, who just asked me to go with him. now i know brandon knew i liked max so theres no way he would be okay with me going sledding with him if he knew. which shouldn't matter because as max accurately said brandon doesn't own me. but it does matter because i don't want brandon to self harm because of it. i just know if i go sledding with max ill have a great time, but if i go with brandon i won't. max is a really great guy, i wish it didn't have to be this way because i don't want to let him down. i truly feel sorry for having strung him along for several weeks because i thought we could be together. but im also worried for max's safety if we do become a couple because i feel as though brandon would lash out at him and possibly try to hurt him for as brandon would see it "taking me from him" i believe max and i could be really happy together. i don't need a boyfriend and i know this seems dramatic.. but it all just came at a really bad time. I've told brandon i want to be alone and don't want to date anyone but he just will not listen so I've really felt like i have no choice recently. im not going to date anymore after this experience. i actually prefer to be single anyway, the past five months were amazing compared to the year and four months i was with brandon. ugh im over analyzing and saying too much. burning_eyes