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Zeal's Redemption Seeker Log
Records of my ups and downs in my journey for life's recognition and forgiveness.
I can't....
I can't go on any longer. The last several days I've just dead inside. I'm having the most difficult time doing anything at all, including things I would normally really enjoy... This is going to be completely scattered simply because my brain doesn't care either. It's giving up in it's own way.
I'm just always weak, and tired..
I guess it's been like this for a long time, but now the weight is unbearable.. I do nothing... Nor can I, due to my struggles and difficulties.. Legitimately, the only thing that keeps me here, and survivable, is my direct family. I'm not capable of supporting myself, nor would I have any reason to regardless... If I were to die, the only people who it would effect are my direct family... Some of my few irl friends may attend my funeral, and they'd be down, i'm sure, but it would cause any grief... But I love family.. They try so hard to take care of me... I know my mother would just be overwhelmed with sadness if I were. That is the only thing that keeps me here... at all... Other than that, there truly is nothing, or any reason to be.. More than ten years, I've been fighting to keep my senses and strength. I never truly did give up, but that is only because I can't. And that is not for me by any means... All it is doing is causing me painful sorrow...
I don't understand... I'm kind, caring, playful, open-minded... Yet no one seems to have any real interest.. But it's true that I have a difficult time with means to show it... Nothing matters to me anymore. Nothing.. at all. All I can do is try to sleep, but I can't lay down for long,... That feeling of over-sleep is just another kind of pain.
This is my life. It's always been that way. And whenever I see people together, It's too painful to watch. It always has been. I've always had a feeling that I should hate people for never choosing me. And I guess that's always been locked away, or I'm just simply not capable of being extroverted about it..
All I really ever do now is lie when people ask "how are you this morning?".
I spend all my time just hoping I'll get fatally ill, or have an accident that kills me. I can't harm anyone, or anything, and I do believe that if I had taken my own life, I would denied something in the after-life, or cause the pain after this life to be even worse than it is now. Out of the pan into the fire, as they say.. I guess... So really all I can do is endure.. As I always have. I don't care about anything anymore... At all. My heart is bleeding, and it's not healing anymore from the damage it's been caused by people I had believed I was worth something to. And that is all people have ever done to me. There is no "things will get better". I absolutely hate when people say that. Because believe it or not, it is absolutely not true. They have no idea, simply because they have had these things in their lives. I have not. My life has been nothing but down hill from the start, and not even god will help me.

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