I feel better now. Relieved, really, that I didn't wake up feeling like I did when I slept. What it is about growing closer to people that makes me feel so ill? I guess it's because I'm anticipating a ******** up (of staggering proportions) on my part. Everyone's left or I pushed them away and getting people back is the hardest thing. Trust is like glass you've mistaken for a mirror. For me, it is. I like to see enough reflected for their to be an understanding, but not so opaque that the person can't be seen for who they are outside of me. I crave whole people, complete persons, actual living, thinking, feeling beings. But whether it's a mirror or glass, you can see what you see, but it all breaks the same.
I get so afraid of seeing myself in people. I hated myself for many years, but even though I like myself, I know what I've done, I live my demons, and I know the fields where I got this dirt stuck under my nails. I shouldn't be so afraid of some people house demons all their own, but I'm more afraid that they'll read me for filth and determine me to be something less than I think of myself.
Even after taken account of my damage, I'm ultimately my greatest champion. But being on my side is so new, relatively speaking, that I'm not sure how strong that will last if someone that can read me reads me in front of me and they comes to parts that they have to spell out?
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