Ugh…I had such a busy morning.
I worked last night, left work at 8am, went home to see a cement truck there (they're building a house right next to mine ) changed into a better coat and added a scarf and some McD's coupons, then went to Shoprite on Oregon Ave.
I actually, lost my bank key (again). I have no clue where it is….and this is the second time that this has happened. If it does miraculously turn up, I'm going to have to start keeping it on property because clearly keeping it with me just does not work.
I'm trying so desperately hard to keep everything together as best as I can until this trip to PR. But with this lost key, and this $100 grocery trip, and everything else going on….I'm just…..ugh.
I favorited a tweet earlier:
I'm walking into 2014 with goals but no expectations. No imaginary deadlines & stressing about MY definition of progression. God got this!
I love it.
I'm looking back on 2013 and noticing how much it really dragged. I don't recall having a New Year's Resolution last year. I think the only thing I wanted was to not be at work on New Year's again unless I was doing something that I love or was proud to do…which I'm still not at that point yet BUT I am off this New Years.
Honestly, last New Year's…everything that I had wanted up to that point had already happened so I wasn't too upset. I was able to move closer to Rob and live on my own. My start date was December 10, so of course I was gonna work both holidays but I'm glad I was able to escape that this time around.
I'm also just getting comfortable with the idea of leaving the Radisson Blu. For a while I was nervous because I'd only have the one paycheck coming in. But honestly, the time that I'm not working at the Radisson, I can use to a) look for better employment b) go to the gym! or c) just go home more. I was nervous about what if one job didn't work out, I'd always have something to fall back on but to be honest, if I'm not at least on my way out by June…I probably deserve to get fired
I'd honestly rather not get fired from the Marriott, because I'd love to have it as something I could always go back too so we'll see….which kinda brings me to next year's New Years Resolution.
I thought about this for a while and I never want my resolutions to be anything materialistic or tangible in anyway (ie. a gym membership, getting a car, a certain job, or what have you). I don't mind those being viable goals, but my resolutions always need to be overarching and somewhat soulful .
My resolutions also tend to work themselves out without me keeping them in mind, I guess because that's the general direction I steer myself in and God just helps me out.
For 2014, I really want to stop fighting with Rob about petty things that do not matter and prove to him, literally prove to him through action, that I'm serious about our future.
That can come in a variety of ways, but I already made it up in my head that the only way that he will take me seriously is if I start making more money and we start living together. While I know that this may not necessarily be all the way true, it's definitely going to be a collaborative factor with my goals.
But honestly, whatever way I can get Rob and I stop fighting and breaking up every two seconds will work for me. If I have to travel and go away for a bit for an opportunity, I know the distance will definitely help and that would be a stepping stone….especially if we part on good terms. Whatever will get him to stop bringing up every bad thing I've done in the past two years will work for me.
To be honest, I was even concerned about making him the focus of 2014. Honestly, Rob can be pushy, close-minded at times, bull-headed, and downright mean. He has repeated over and over again that he a) doesn't take me seriously b) doesn't see a future in us and c) that I do little to nothing for him and d) loving me is the bain of his existence and if he could stop, he would.
Can you imagine how much that would hurt, hearing it over and over again?
At this point, I'll do whatever to repair and heal our relationship down to the core. Because while at the surface, we can put on a quick band-aid on it and keep it moving….Rob shows how deeply devastated he is below it, every chance he gets.
I think I only have a few real goals for this year.
Gym Membership - I would like to start at Planet Fitness by March or April. I think working out at a Gym will kelp me focus more and boost my self-esteem giving me more confidence to accomplish what i need to accomplish. I do my home workouts that show good results, but a lot of times it's hard to focus here. So, I would really like to start working out at the gym regularly and face my gym fears that I have.
Better job - And as vague as that sounds right now, that's kind of just where I am. If I don't move into something more corporate/administrative making more money and learning new skills, then I have to move into a management/supervisor role somewhere so that I can slide myself into a government funded non-profit soon. I actually would like to use my brain, thinking processes, and creativity a bit more in my job role and where I am now isn't doing it. As I've said before, June will mark 2 years since graduation. If I'm not at least on my way to a new/better position…I will have an issue.
Medicine - I also really think I should figure out what I'm going to do about my medical state this year. Am I gonna do it or am I not gonna do it? I'm tired of Rob asking about it and I'm sure he's tired of asking and just wants me to be taken care of. But again, I know the process is….tough….mentally and I'd love to have adequate support throughout the process, but we all know how inconsistent Rob can be.
Honestly, I just woke up like…an hour ago. Mom called me earlier crying because she feels like she can't do anything and Aunt Theresa was mad at her because she didn't go over to her house and stayed home with me and other things. I'm just like…I understand the frustration, trust me I do, but something's gotta give. I think mom's just afraid because she's not sure which direction she wants to go in. She really doesn't want to do IT anymore, so what should she do? In the midst of packing up the house, being homeless, and feeling lonely….that's a lot of pressure and I know it can get scary. When she called earlier, I was sleep so I just….didn't feel like it. I'll call her back later.
Also, I'm supposed to meet Derrick and Julius & co at the Walnut Street Supper Club at 6pm where Derrick may or may not get proposed to. Son, it's 3:45pm now, I need to call these people, work out, shower, AND get there by 6pm? I just don't see it happening…but I'll try my best.
I'm pretty sure they're going to go out afterward and just spend the New Year at a bar or something of that nature. I don't. think. I. feel. like. doing. that. I'd rather spend it with Rob…if he's going to be home…I'll be right there with him. If he's going out with his friends i'll either a) be at his house waiting for him or b) in my bed watching Pokemon. I gotta work at 3pm tomorrow and I might just work a double as well. Womp.
But yes, 2013 really dragged. Slowest year of my life…probably because I wasn't in school and felt like I was wasting away at my job. I haven't lost my faith in God, I just need to focus on developing myself and working harder to get there…I know God will pick me back up when I start trying harder, and I think that goes for mom as well.
So far 2014 looks like it's off to a promising start:
- Puerto Rico in two weeks!
- Deep Creek Trip a month afterward?
- Rob's bday in March
- And we still have a Canada trip to look forward too!
I still have the UNIQLO thing going on for the 9th. Puerto Rico IS happening. I'm thinking about the Deep Creek thing with the fam. I know Rob probably won't go since he hated the last time he was with them…so I'll need to decide if I'll go alone. It sounds fun and it's only $250. I don't know what I'll do for Rob's birthday since he did nothing for mine…..sidebar, our relationship is so….much…. just Sunday night we were on the verge of breaking up (I remember asking him if being with me hurts so much and I'm not getting better or doing anything for him then why is he still here? Then he tried to break up and cite that I wanted it). It's weird…EYE don't want to break-up…I think HE wants to but he's afraid. I don't know. But anyway, the next day he was asking me what color sheets I wanted so he could get them for me.
But yes, 2014 already looks pretty promising. I just hope to continue on this journey of self-growth and discovery and I want to build the relationship between Rob and I this year to something rock solid. I believe we still have a lot of s**t to sift through, but we have to get to a place where……we can just really trust each other.
But that's about it. Let me try to get this night started…I'm kinda over it already and I wish I was off tomorrow.
Love, Blessings, and so much more!
Music: "Goodbye" - Lyfe Jennings from The Phoenix
Music(2): "No Angel" - Beyonce from Beyonce
Music(3)" "MANiCURE" - Lady Gaga from ARTPOP
· Tue Dec 31, 2013 @ 08:59pm · 0 Comments