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Zeal's Redemption Seeker Log
Records of my ups and downs in my journey for life's recognition and forgiveness.
Years ago I fell in love with someone. They made promises. They gave me warmth, and hope when I had completely lost it. They "proved" to me that I wasn't completely invisible to the world. Not to everyone. They seemed to be the only person to even see me. They claimed they would dedicate towards me, and do what they could to help me continue to exist.. unconditionally..
They left me around a year later. Possibly less. Coupling with another guy they had only known for a month. Even though they said they had lost that connection with me, I still supported them. I knew I would be a weight on them, and if that is truely where their heart had moved to, I'd rather not cause any damage.. I continued to hold on, to keep her in my heart. Years passed and I reconnected with her, discovering that she had called off the relationship she had with the other, due to circumstances. She spoke light words to avoid saying that she had looked away from away. I didn't believe it, simply because she had yet to show it. I kept holding on regardless, trying to get her to even accept me. I was trying to convince myself that she was still connected with me, when the truth was that she wasn't. She didn't speak negatively towards me, and kept declaring loyalty, but she kept disappearing. Only responding once I had poked at her once again.

I kept trying to at least make friends with others, and have always failed to keep them. I've had a few good friends in real life for over 10 years, but lately it's become apparent that my loyalty to them is far more significant than it is to me. They do not include me, even when I ask for it.

I've decided to just face the fact that I was betrayed all those years ago. And continuing to try to keep that false connection with her has only caused the emotion I've ever felt since, to be nothing but pain and sorrow. To date, I have no one that I'm able to spend my time with.

I'm having an extremely difficult time day to day with some of the issues I suffer from, and even spending nearly all my time online, trying to participate with others, I have not a single online friend.

I do not push people away, and I try to dedicate to loyalty. I have never turned away from anyone. And even when I've seen them do as such, I've tried to convince myself that it wasn't the case, as they always seem to lie and avoid saying it. Always making excuses as to why they never contact me, or involve me.

I am 28 years old, and a loyal dedicated love is the only thing I want in this world. Yet I can't even get people to even consider that I'm here, or acknowledge my pain.

15 years of my life, and I have no actively dedicated friends, yet I am charatable, supportive, and try to be accepting of all who show they are willing to do the same for me. But I find that the case is that that is only ever one way.

I tried to leave this world several times long ago, and i've always been against it due to understand that this world may be the only chance I have to recieve what I need most in my existence. Any hope at all, even though experience a lack of, is the most painful thing I've felt continuously throughout my entire life, I continue to keep a meaningless false hope. I've been holding back a powerful hate towards to people for their betrayal and ignorance towards me. I'll never be able to act on that, due to my nature, which makes it even more painful. My life revolves around inner hate and lonely sorrow. The only times I've felt otherwise, have not long been followed by that positive experience being brutally ripped from my grasp. This is universal for all feelings of happiness. I live a life of solid curses, and there is nothing that I can do about it. Whatever it was that I had done to deserve a life as this, I'm starting to think that whatever it may have been, I should not even forgive myself for. Let alone the world, or anyone else. Or perhaps people truly are just that selfishly blind, as they say. Loyal love is a lie. This is proof enough.

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