...The year is finally drawing to an end.
The end of the longest, coldest, most miserable year of my life. And I'm not even sure whether I'm happy for it to be over or not, because I'm sure next year won't be any better. It might even get worse from here.
This whole year has been full of nothing but mistakes. Leaving her was chiefest among them. I never should have abandoned her. Never should have left. Perhaps if I hadn't gone, things might have turned out differently...But it can't be helped anymore. I'm alone. Alone in the cold, dark misery and regret that's been eating away at my soul ever since it happened.
Some days have been better than others, but there hasn't been a single day this year that she never crossed my mind. Not that it does me much good to think anymore. She hates me. I'm trash to her. What am I even doing here anymore?
I look back at my life and what it's become and I think more and more each day that dying would just be so much easier than going on like this. Loneliness is the worst kind of misery. Couple that with the regret of knowing that your loneliness is your own fault, and you find a whole new definition of a living hell.
The only mistake I can think of that could even be close to as bad as abandoning her like I did was thinking that I could ever replace her. Even so I foolishly pursued the heart of another, only to receive nothing in return. But then, such is the price I pay for thinking it would be that easy. The fact is that it never will be. I have to suffer now for the rest of my life until my dying day knowing that the weight of my mistakes cost me everything. As if someone as miserable and pathetic as myself ever deserved happiness at all in the first place anyway. I suppose this is what I get for screwing up as badly as I did.
I've spent the entire year on and off with her. Trying my hardest to repair what little I can to at least keep some trace of our memories alive, but to no avail every time. She only grew colder and more distant with every attempt. I know I could have been happy if I could have at least been something to her, if only just someone to be there and talk to from time to time, but now I can't even be that anymore.
I've lost a lot this year. As a matter of fact you could say that I lost everything. Not only did I lose the love of my life, but I lost the only other thing I cared about in my life. I lost my place in the police cadets because of another of my stupid mistakes. I threw my life on the line, threw it all away in hopes that maybe, just maybe she would care about me, even a little, but even that was to no avail. She still didn't care.
Sure I got a job not too long ago, but one can only put on an act for the public for so long before they become tired and just want to give up. What good is making money anyway if I have no one to share it with? No purpose for it. No purpose for my existence at all.
Looking back, this year has been full of nothing but misery and bad memories. Things that I only wish I could leave behind, but I know I never can.
Nothing will ever be set right until I can finally hold her in my arms, and have her return my embrace with her own. I can never be at peace until I am at peace with her in my arms once more.
I fear for the new year, because I know that nothing will change. My hope fades more and more with each passing day, and I have no way of keeping up with it. She has shut me out of her life completely, and has condemned me to die alone. I have no idea what she's doing right now, but it's likely better than the nightmare of my own guilt that I must now live with. In the end, she will go on without me, and my existence will be rendered completely pointless.
If I make it through the next year, what will be the point of any of it? Why go on any further without the existence of hope?
I pray so hard each and every day for some hope. For some sign that maybe, just maybe someday things might be set right, but nothing ever comes. Every time I gain the slightest hope, it gets snatched away from me in the next instant.
Yet still I pray, even tonight. I pray that you read this and understand better if only just somewhat the true depths of my misery and regret. Even if you hate me, and have chosen to shut me out, I will continue to love you until the end, however soon that may be.
I pray that your new year be at least somewhat better than my own, my love. And I'm sure it will be. I still have utmost faith in you my dearest, even if you have lost all faith in me.
Happy New Year, my love.
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