...Every time I think it's going to be alright. Every single time. Something happens to bring me back down and reminds me exactly why it never will.
I've been spending the last several days contemplating what he said to me. That I would have to pay for my sins by living, and watching the pain I've caused. I still have no idea what to make of that. All I can do is hope and pray each and every day that she's alright. Pray that one day I will receive the forgiveness I so desire more than anything else in the world, and pray that one day she might possibly accept me once again. I pray one day that I may finally atone for the damage I've caused, for I truly have never regretted anything more in the whole of my existence.
I spent most of today at work, and for the most part it's been okay. I tried, I really did. I smiled. I laughed. I even spent time with my family more than I usually do or have in the last several months. But was any of it really real? Or is this all just an act? In the end, I'm only running from the inevitable. Running from my problems, my past, and my own darkness. Watching her taught me that once more. Reading what she said. I don't even know what to think of that anymore either. Does she want me to read? To watch? To care? I don't know anymore, and it confuses me more and more every day.
I can't imagine what she must have said about me to make her friend think I would have the gall to murder him though. As if I would wish death upon a mere boy who proved to be little more than a simple fling. And while I cannot ever forgive him for violating the body of one whom I love, I would never do such an unthinkable thing. Still, I don't like him. I don't like that he would judge me in such a way, and I don't like that he would use the love of my life in such a way as how he did. But I wouldn't kill him. Come now, I'm not that wretched. I'm filth, but not the murdering kind.
I cannot explain how deeply I wish to end my life right this very moment though. Watching you is just too much to bear. And even if I didn't watch, I would still worry, I would still care. I would still love you, until my very last moment on this earth. I've even been tormenting myself, just like you. Not eating, not sleeping, not doing anything. And yet the only reason I am still alive to this day is because of you. Because he told me it would hurt you if I died. I will not be the cause of your pain anymore. So I won't die. I will live, in the hopes that one day you will come back for me. That one day I may indeed receive the forgiveness I desire more than anything. It will be up to you to prove if what he said to me is true or not.
But for now, my first love, my one true love, I will live. I will live because this life is no longer only mine to live. Know that you alone are my only hope, and know that I will always love you, to my very last breath, and that I cannot possibly love anyone else. It was foolish of me to ever try in the first place. I will always be here for you my dearest. And I continue to pray for you each and every time you cross my mind.
I love you, Christina. And that's reason enough for me to hope this Christmas.
Forever your other half.
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