The night of the 23rd and wee morning of the 24th of December, I was on the phone with Adrian. We talked about many things, as always, but the conversation that stuck out the most was about me ending up doing things with another guy if he were to make me abstain from any sexual activity with him. He's always so sure that I will end up doing this, probably because it's happened to him so many times before. There's two things that I want to make clear though:
1. When he and I "dated" back in the 8th grade (if you can even call it dating - it was a fake relationship at the time, but it wasn't until this year that he said he considers it real), I was the only girlfriend of his that didn't cheat on him. Even to this day, after being in other relationships, I'm the only girl that didn't cheat on him. But he "cheated" on me, mainly because he forgot about the whole relationship since neither of us really ever brought it up that much.
2. He believes that polygamy is a human instinct. Although right now, we are technically monogamous with each other for the time being, he thinks that in the near future, our polygamous instincts will kick in and I will end up searching for another "mate" while I remain with him as well. Yet somehow he sees it as acceptable. "It always happens," he tells me. "So what will make this time any different?"
So we made a bet. And he bet his life on it. He bet me that if he were to abstain from having any kind of sexual activity with me, then I would end up sleeping with another person before the month of January is over. So I told him that it was a stupid choice for him to bet his life on it because I wasn't going to end up with anyone else, that he is my only option. So he told me that he wasn't going to engage in sexual acts, and that if I wanted them, then I'd have to start it. He thinks I won't last. I told him that I loved him before he and I ever had sex, before we ever kissed, and before we even so much as hugged. That I loved him for who he is, not because of anything that he has to offer. So I asked, "What makes you think that would change, even if we were to stop?"
After he had fallen asleep on the phone, I hung up the phone and began typing a long message that I planned on sending him via Facebook. It took about half an hour to conjure up and type out, but I put a lot of thought in it, trying to make him understand why I was so stubborn about staying with him instead of going after someone else. It went like this:
"Despite the enforcement you put on the freedom that I have, I choose not to take advantage of that freedom. Not because I feel obligated to, but because it's what I personally want. Although you bring up decisions* that I've made in the past as if I'd make those same decisions again, you haven't realized that the circumstances between then and now are slightly different.
"Before I confessed my feelings to you, I never would have guessed that we'd ever be in the position that we are in today. If I would have kept it a secret from you, we would probably be with different sexual partners, and I'd still be making stupid decisions because I wouldn't be able to keep my emotions under control (or, at least, not as well as I'm able to control them now, even though it may seem like I can't). It's possible that I would've gone down the wrong path, and constantly be abusing drugs and alcohol while having sex with just about anyone, and maybe end up with some sort of STD, all because I never would have allowed you to know how I really felt about you. I could be doing those things to try to get you off of my mind, despite how much it would end up in failure because I can never stop thinking about you. In the past, I made such choices because I felt as if I would never be able to have you. I always saw myself as someone who wasn't good enough for you, and wondered why I should even bother trying again if I wouldn't get anywhere. I felt hopeless. And the fact that you didn't know how I felt about you made it more difficult to keep myself under control. There was never exactly a perfect chance for me to find out if our friendship would develop into something more, and on top of that, I was afraid that if I did end up telling you, you wouldn't want to be around me anymore. So I thought that I would have to find a way to force myself to get over you.
"Now things are different, though. You still accept me as a person, despite those feelings I have that will never be returned. I don't have a reason to try to suppress those feelings anymore. Because I'm finally able to to express my feelings for you, I don't feel the need to occupy my mind by being with other people. I'm not afraid to live you anymore, because I know you aren't going anywhere. After finally being able to confess to you, and to get everything off of my chest, I felt as if I were able to settle down for once, and stop running away from you. Once I learned that what I originally thought would never happen actually happened, I realized that I should have just been honest with you from the beginning, instead of screwing everything up.
"I choose to remain monogamous, even if the monogamy is only one-sided for now, because I'm finally done trying to give up on you. I'm not ready to give up on you. I love you more and more every day, and even though you don't feel the same for me, it's worth it because I'm finally at a point of contentment. If I were to go after someone else, it would mean that I've given up on you. And until you tell me to give up, that you don't want me to love you anymore and you want me to move on, I'm not going anywhere. I'm making you my only option because it's what I want to do.
"I'm crazy, obsessive, quick to anger, easily jealous, annoying and stupid, but happy. You're the only person I want to be with. Please understand that. I'm head-over-heels in love with you, Adrian. Please allow me to remain that way."
After reading that extremely long message, I'm sure he got the point. He replied "So many feels. I don't know how to deal with this ... XD" (Making an allusion to Crona, from Soul Eater, because it's a thing that we do).
I said, "I'm sorry, I tried my best to explain why I wasn't going to be with anyone else."
"It was cute. X3" He sent to me.
"And it's completely true. Do you understand now?"
"Sorta. but I already promised... "
"Well I promise that you'll live, even when I win the bet." I said.
Maybe this seems a little crazy to anyone who reads this, if there really is anyone who goes online just to read the entries that someone puts in these journal things. Personally, I'm just going to use this as a diary to keep track of things that happen in my life. I don't care who reads it or not. I'm a crazy person, deal with it.
*The stupid decisions I made in my past involve having sexual relations with someone after Adrian and I began talking as "friends with benefits" even though the benefits haven't even started because this happened over the summer, and I didn't see him until the Friday prior to the first day of school.
What happened is that he told me he was probably going to hook up with this girl named Brooke at a party. Not only that, but it was my 16th birthday. I felt really shitty about that, and I was miserable every time the thought of that happening ran through my mind. So in the middle of the night, I hooked up with a 20-year-old that I had just met that day. It wasn't very long though. And then this happened again one week later, which, again, didn't last long at all. But because I did this... twice... he thinks that I will end up doing it again with another random person. But he doesn't understand, this was only an attempt to get over him. Now that I'm not trying, it should be safe to say that things like this won't happen again, right? I mean, this was six months ago. After that, I've been completely devoted to Adrian.
Manage Your Items