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Don't Go...
------I'm writing this because I can't sleep, I'm sleepy though very. So I may start dreaming and the dreams bleed into this book. The reason why I can't sleep is because a friend of mine, here on Gaia is visiting NYC for Christmas. She wants to meet up, and I want to too. I'm terrified of the idea quite frankly, I... I'm not really good with talking or people, even conversing. Its strange though if you place me up on a stage, where I can sing, or present to you a power-point presentation, I feel confident as ********. I feel invincible. I don't even know what we're gonna do, if we do decide to meet up. I'm so scared and excited at the same time that... that, I feel the world fading away into the darkness.

-------I am trapped into my conscious again, the sky is gray. Its raining non-stop, however its safe to look up in the sky because the rain drops go through you. I'm laying on a patch of colorless grass. I see a celestial body behind the dark clouds. A titanic moon who's gravity is so strong I feel as if I'm falling into it. Just like when you look down over the edge of a building, there's that heightened fear, the tingling in your legs as your mind perceives that you are falling. I clutch onto the ground that I lay on. I am alone in this world, and there is no one but my imaginations and creations. A fantasy world designed by me which I have no one to share with.

------I think about her. Perhaps I can take her to the Hayden Planetarium, see the Dark Universe, or maybe take a stroll in Central Park, even Times Square in the beautiful crowded night. Maybe she'd be willing to travel with me to the Bronx, my home borough and see the Bronx Zoo, or even the Botanical Garden. After that we can score some halal food, from this guy I know; that's if she likes those kinds of foods and places. Perhaps I should bring a guitar with me, to carry it around just so my confidence would build up. But that's not the thing that I'm terrified about. I'm afraid she won't accept my weird, nerdy and awkward self... I'm afraid, afraid of her thoughts and opinions on the writer behind this book.
I'm afraid that's I'm not what she expects and...

------I sit up off the grass, looked into the horizon towards the vast expanse of the moving mountains. I see the snowy peak of a mountain slowly melt as it crawls its way back to the ground. Its moving back into the ocean, to go home to see it's mother. I often think that maybe if I die in the real world, that I'd end up here. I want to live here but its lonely, the people who I meet here are based of ones I have met or seen out there. Sometimes I even meet different parts of myself, or perhaps even me from the pasts. I have fallen in love with an illusion once. I fell in love of a character who is the epitome of all of my desires and all I ever want in myself. Too bad, in here no one is real. I wish I was real.

------Maybe down below you can comment upon dreams, prominent ones. Maybe you can even talk about reoccurring characters in them whether they're real or not, like my Imaginary Lover. You can also talk about experiences of meeting new people, possibly friends here on Gaia, whether it be across the internet like Skype, or perhaps even the reality of touch. I'll comment back to your comment with a pm. It's a new thing I want to try because the commenting system here on Gaia-Journals is ancient as ********. I've been thinking of writing a Romance Novel called Until Next Time, about my Imaginary Lover and I, so I might not write here on my journal as much.

Thanks for reading though, This is Anikacy signing out!

User Comments: [2]
Community Member

Sun Dec 22, 2013 @ 03:00am

"Be who you are and be that well, as long as it is not bad" ~Saint Francis de Sales. Just be yourself and if your friend cannot accept you for who you are, than she is not worth being your friend. Just don't be nervous, you're a great person and an even better friend.

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." ~Elbert Hubbard.

Ani, I love you AS A FRIEND because I think you are, well, YOU, not some faker pretending to be someone else. You are that occasionally over competitive, crazy, intelligent, charming young lady that I am determined to call my friend and closest ally. If I did not love of you AS A CLOSE FRIEND, do you think I would be writing this? Of course not. But it is my love for you, and all of my friends, that keeps me going. So chin up, back straight, and look upon each day as a new beginning with confidence that you will not fall as long as you have your true friends by your side. As Albert Camus said, "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." Look at each new sunrise with understanding that there are angels on the streets just waiting to pull you back up to your feet. Dust off that shoulder, wipe away the tears, and say "I got this!"

Community Member

Tue Dec 31, 2013 @ 12:11pm

I have two vivd reoccurring dreams that make me feel from mellow to angsty.

The first one is in a bar. (Goes to show I love that type of drinking scene.) I am usually dressed in an elegant dress awaiting for a man that I do not know. The drink, the dress, the look of the bar, and the song played on piano are always arbitrary. The dream has a 60s feel because the music has this toned down echo to it. I concluded that I always dream this when I am searching for more peace or that I am in a mellow mindset already. Though, I have a feeling that the mystery person's face is going to be filled by someone I love eventually.

The second one is rather a terrifying one. When I dream this, I need to quickly get back on track before I am swallowed by the angst that it creates. It is actually a memory more than anything, but bloodied on a black canvas. The memory is of me cutting my wrists, and feeling that it was the correct thing to do. The reassurance and confidence in that memory is by far the most lucid I have had in my whole entire life. When I do dream this, I call up a close friend and cry it out for a bit. Then I write about it, and go through a process of learning to love living again.


I have never met someone that I met online. The idea makes me excited, and a bit afraid. Partially because you never know what is out there. Though, if I had previously Skyped with the person, and have known the person with in a sensible time period, I be would less precautions, but nonetheless doubtful on what to expect because when you give people a mask they'll show you what they want to show which is probably who they are or want to be. The reality might be more bitter or sweet or completely different. Above all, my primary concern would be my safety. Albeit, what really matters is that you're going to meet a human being that you've spent with a considerable amount of time. I wouldn't want to waste time over thinking how extreme a person can be instead of directing my attention to a moment not many online friends get. Especially, if this friend has been more of a friend than 'irl' friends.

Just to finish off this thought, the idea of physically knowing someone exists from online is like having your dreams be nascent because not only is touch a beyond human reaction, it is a necessity the we humans enjoy indulging.

User Comments: [2]
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