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Short. Thoughts of a lost case
The experiences I have had, or at least the view of me through my rather grey-tainted glasses, by being me.
I do not believe in people or friends...
My friends will probably turn away from me...again.....Actually, plenty of my friends had in the past........That is....if I ever had any friends...

I had been limping behind my comrades for a while already...The game just did not interest nor motivate me as much as it used to....I am also not as young and spirited as I once was...But it was mostly because I simply did not understand the updates, the game physics very well. I did not understand the new guns we got either, no matter how much I tried. I used to be a lot better with the old guns but that is merely a distant memory now...

I tried to hide it at first...but I really wanted to get better...I was offered help by some friends but I had never relied on anyone and nothing good came out of it whenever I did. A couple of times I did do some mistakes of trying it out again...but I am not much worth...I am not important at all...I was not surprised how often or quickly I got dumped, left behind, abondened, how easily people just gave up....I was hopeless...yes, that is it...I, myself, would not believe in me either......but it still made me hate myself even more...

I did not want the help of others...I did not.....want others...at all...

But there was one person who would always bug me. He had been a really good friend for a long time...but I guess, it was my mistake of having let him get too close...It was very foolish of me.....

I knew, it was useless. I knew I would hear the same tips again....but I guess I still had some kind of hope...but that guy changed......I am actually happy for him...He changed for the better of himself...

I just.....have a hard time seeing my place among the people in my clan...I try to look into the crowd....but it always seems I am out of place...

...And yet, I deserve whatever comes to me...I have been cruel. Cold. People do not understand, but...I should not have gotten close before realizing it and then breaking it off. I have hurt people when I really wished not too, but it is not something I would be able to undo. It is my own foolishness to have gotten close knowing that there will be no good result. It is my fault...It is my own selfishness....

Not hiding demanded a price...My pride, that is...I began not caring...I began to stop trying to hide it....I exposed myself and often I was very sure everyone simply despised me.....but I ignored it. I had nothing to lose and to be honest I was not quite sure why I should be caring about their thoughts. I knew sooner or later I would be kicked out or demoted.....but what else should I do, but to try...?

I alienated myself from everyone...I did not know anyone anymore nor the people that I used to know.....and my mere existence seemed unimportant....and yet, I knew I was always watched....

I wish I could go back to my naive years where I was not seen...or I believed I was not. I never wished to be seen.....In fact, I only wish to serve. I do not wish to be noticed...I would rather prefer staying in the shadows, unseen...for people believe to see what they do not see...It is better not to see what one does not see...





DarkLadyvanStar
Community Member
  • 01/19/14 to 01/12/14 (2)
  • 01/12/14 to 01/05/14 (2)
  • 12/29/13 to 12/22/13 (1)
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