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Indifference
------I've been meaning to write about this... My mother went to California because her grandmother died. It happened Tuesday, after Ed (Edgenis) helped me carry my stuff back at my mom's place. Well actually it came before that. After my show with him, I called my mother to see if she could pick us up because I didn't want to take public transportation with all the equipment. I dialed her on the phone. I was outside in the snow and, I was under-dressed that day too; I didn't anticipate the snow. He had given me his coat. Anyways I called my mom, she picked up and all I hear are sobs and moans

------"I'm sorry I can't pick you guys up" Her voice is choked up.

------I don't really remember how the conversation went, usually my memory is on point with things too. I think I was just trying to find another alternative to get home from the cold. I didn't want him to freeze too. But the purpose of this entry is not about me and him. Its more of me. I remember getting angry at my mom because she promised us this morning that she would drive us home. She insisted we take a cab, but neither of us had money for that. I mean I guess I wasn't thinking too. Driving emotionally unstable is dangerous, and perhaps killed the three of us. Not like I mind anyways...

------We got to my mother's place, and I dropped my equipment off there. She had a mask on, not literally, an emotional one. A familiar mask that I sometimes put on myself, to tell myself that 'I'll be okay' and 'I'm Strong'. I guess she had that on because she had a guest. I think he notices it too however.

------"I'll be going to California tomorrow" She said sternly. "I have to go see for myself."

------"Are you okay ma?" I hug her. She hugs me back but it feels indifferent. Ed hugs her too, because I have told him along the way.

------"You and your sister are gonna have to spend Christmas at your father's place." We let go of her. "I won't be back for a while, your aunt had already bought the plane tickets."

------"Oh..."

------"I called your sister, she cried."

------"I think I should walk him back to the bus stop..."

------So I walked him back to the bus stop, I gave him a ride too. I owe him for helping me carry my stuff. Along the way I told him I feel nothing, I'm not apathetic of he situation though. I feel really bad though. I mean its not like I didn't know my great-grandmother or anything. Maybe I just don't have any memories of her. I knew she meant a lot to my mom because my mom was abandoned by her parents when she was little. My great grandparents basically brought her in. But how come I don't feel anything. He tells me that we all have our different ways of processing things.

------"Imagined if you have died." He said. "Imagine the burden and stress that you would have placed on her."

------"I know..."

------He's right though, but on the other hand I kinda envy my great grandmother. She left this dying world. On the other hand I admire her because she lived through life and struggled through what is worth struggling. His words echo in my mind though. I have been carrying it with me since that day. I've been depressed as ******** as of lately. Maybe because I don't feel anything, and I'm more sad in not feeling anything at all. Perhaps I'm more sad of the guilt. Lately I've been drowning myself in Heralds of Chaos just to get these thoughts suppressed instead of writing them down here. I'm sad about my father that even though they are divorced, he still loves her and tries to spend holidays with her. But now she won't be here for Christmas, so as of lately all he's been doing is drinking. I guess we all have our different ways of coping; mine are games, his are alcohols.

------My mother also doesn't know about what I tried to do. I wanted to tell her but I guess that can wait. I feel like a selfish idiot, and its making this depression worse. I have so much more problems like college and what not. I don't think I did as good in this first semester. I told Ed this, and I also told him I should have joined the army. He doesn't like the idea because he doesn't want me to die. Its hard though... I know my great grandmother was really proud that I was valedictorian, but college is so different. My mother would be disappointed in me.

------I should probably end this entry, my thoughts are rambling all over the place... too many problems occurring at once, too many thoughts. I just wanna lie down and infinitely dream. I just want to die and dream forever...

Sorry for the mess, this is Anikacy, signing out!






User Comments: [1]
Xhn
Community Member





Fri Dec 13, 2013 @ 06:29pm


It's something the Irish say. "I'm sorry for you trouble." Instead of, " I'm sorry of your loss." It's much more fitting.

I hope things turn out for the best: with your depression, with your family, with your education.

"I just wanna lie down and infinitely dream. I just want to die and dream forever..."
It's the search for the peace among the madness. Gaming gives you space to breathe, while other things don't even give you the time of day. Keeping breathing chap.

ST, your avid reader

P.S.

If you have time, this was interesting. It closes a lot of the ends the humanity of today has open.

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/new_scientist/2013/12/the_self_as_brain_disturbing_implications_of_neuroexistentialism.html

"Now, at the end of it, what's going to happen? I will die and that's it. And I like that idea, in a crazy sort of way."


User Comments: [1]
 
 
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