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and the excitement of life kinda drains away as the years go on. I've been praying for the excitement that I used to have to come back, but it's just in little spurts every now and then.
When you lose someone you love, you can pretend all you want that it doesn't hurt. You can lie to yourself all you want that you're not selfish and you're happy that they're in a better place. You can do this and that to cover it all up and put a mask on but it DOES take a toll on you, don't deny it.
Two years later and I'm still mourning. Wow. But it has done something for me. I am able to appreciate the people around me much more. It's not fear that I'm going to lose them. It's just... I realize what I will lose when they're gone. That's the real value source in this world, people. Not money. Not education. Not government. People. Yeah, I'm attending this great university, surrounded by scholars and I get access to great nuggets of intellectuality but who gives a ******** is coming from an antisocial introvert, mind you.
But I appreciate who I have become... I'm not ashamed. I used to be ashamed and I hid from the world. I love Jesus and I have experienced crazy spiritual things that only confuse me when I think about them. No, I am not wealthy. I am not cold hearted. I am easily hurt. I don't really care about what the majority of people care about. I don't give a damn about sex. I could be celibate for the rest of my life and I would be just fine. Yeah, I want romance and kisses and cuddles, but sex? I want children so I am going to do it sometime. I could care less about the new TV shows or movies coming out or the latest video games. I'm good playing Spyro on my laptop that has to be plugged in to turn on because I can't afford to buy a new battery. I'm good using my fiancé's ancient flip phone every once in a while. Hahahaha.
No, I don't really relate to you. But I love you. Why? I see your soul. I love it when I see someone's eyes light up, when they get really passionate about something. I don't really see that light coming from people's eyes much anymore. They're so dulled from pain and disillusionment.

I'm so sappy, I know it. heart I hope I've made you thoroughly uncomfortable with the word looooooooveeeeee written all over this post.
Or I hope that I've given you encouragement or something.