I have yet to summarize my experience as a 21 year old. BTW, cutting your nails after having them like 1 inch long is a refreshing feeling. I can type like a beast now. No more mistakes. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I plan to input my thoughts on my behavior as a 21 year old. My thoughts like in the past is to change my behavior now that I feel that I have to take a step in life.
In my mind, these steps are generated my experiences and thoughts. One was turning 13. I'm a teenager, you know thir-teen. So at the time I asked my father to let me drive home one night when he picked me up from Borders. Its a bookstore at the mall that I frequented because I liked reading...manga. Yes, at the time I didn't know any better or had access to a computer.
Another step was when my mother got sick in 2006. Seemed like I was going to lose her, I handled her debit card and paid bills and bought food for the family. My dad is not responsible, nor polite. This resulted in us having to move, at least that's what they told me. I still don't comprehend what happened between my family and our landlord, who was my uncle on my mother's side. But my mom recovered, but she is not the same. She is weak, lame, and can't be my physical support. She also sucks at being my psychological support lol. Guess I felt alone in my ventures during high school. This is why I was so into being at school and keeping active. Made my mom worry less as well give me a reason to be the best me.
Another step was going to college. I did Judo so I juggled a job, school, and sports. I was responsible and felt familial relations with my athletes. I was always there for a friend in need as well. Regardless of sleep efforts. I think I mentioned this before being a vampire because we didn't go home til the sun had risen. Hard times for a friend at that time was to then go drink and forget. Or have fun and forget. Those to go hand in hand. But to me never really helped. Reasoning with my friend to talk and settle the drama resulted in her saying that is not an option. So what do I do? I just stick with them. I'm there for you regardless friend <3I like being a support I guess. Even league, I always pick the support role. But like league there are other ways to be a better support. The other lanes help us work together towards our nexus. And ones presence in a team fight is important.
But, I think I got tired of being a support, I got bored. I did more things for me later and engaged in reckless behavior. Do I regret it? I did at the time when it cost me my pathway to being a Registered Nurse. I had 2 semesters left and I screwed it up because I didn't devote my time to it. But was it meant to be? I see the other side of the health field and don't mind it. In high school, I was involved in business clubs and health clubs. So I like being all professional like. FBI status. And yes its shallow but one of my best features is my nails. They can grow to such strong beautiful lengths, Had I become a nurse, that feature would cease to exist. But I had plans for that nursing degree.But its ok, I'm still young. Some of them students were 26 and in the nursing program. I can take my time. But it will cost me, but hey you only live once. But then again I speculated with a successful professor about hard work during the younger years and having the fun times at a later age like 40. She said she got what she wanted and can enjoy it better now. Well at least until her physical limitations kick in from aging, which is expected. So there are only things you can do now that you can't do later.
Now to my year as being a 21 year old. I partied, drank, blacked out, did stuff, had sex, and just be more out there. Do more things that I was curious about. I sort of had a support at the time, but it wasn't the right fit to my ideal. Even now I have a boyfriend and its just not what I want. What do I want? Fairy godmother was right, I'm a romantic. I listen to kingdom hearts and cry. They will never be together. I cry easily for stupid stuff at movies I let the tears roll quietly and hope noone sees them and let the cold air dry them. Now my friend got me into some K-Pop and some of them songs make my heart beat. Sadly, I want someone there physically and mentally, my sole support. I'm not talking marriage, just for now. Maybe this is why I have so many guy friends. But which ones are the real friends? Another trait of mines is to easily make friends. I'm on a shuttle commenting on a television show and automatically make a new friend and get there name. Will I see them again who knows, but I'm just that easy to talk to.
I'm horrible though. I'm like keeping my boyfriend til I find someone better. I truly tried to reciprocate his feelings, but they are just too serious at times. My thoughts are that at this age the world is our playground. Come play with me? At some point I feel I will find that guy that makes my heart pound, but how is that going to happen? I date them, get to know them, and get attuned to them right? Or is it like the fairy tales, love at first sight. Idk, I just feel my heart aches for a love to share my time with. Not just friends, love you guys, but not the kind of love I envision for myself. Am I overthinking it? I honestly can't say I liked a guy to the point where I'm like madly in love with you. You mad bro?
My fairy godmother was right. I asked him if I was ready for love, and he said to stop looking for it. Therefore, I'm currently working with goals for the new year. I am calm now, so no more partying. I will be graduating so it is time. I will also work more on myself with the time that I expect to have to go to the gym, zumba, swim, surf. More than my average active lifestyle of planning events like hiking with friends. Then another is my behavior. Like my best friend Diana, I will convert. I will wait patiently in relationships and not just go with the flow. Be more responsible with myself.
I will elaborate more in areas I feel like going into detail later. Because....I gotta write some final essays and do an exam online xD I just felt the need to get this off my mind. Thank you gaia for being able to let me do so. Strangers, friends, ppl if you read this its ok lmk what you think. Many of you don't live near me or know my real name so I feel its a safe place for my thoughts. I can come back and reflect whenever as long as gaia doesn't go down. Anyway, back to hw, laters <3
"Be still my heart cause its freaking out," (Demi Lovato, Neon Lights)
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