Im officially lost….u gave me so much pain today….i feel so violated….ow…I stop to cry, …I pleased u….made u feel so good….u promised me pleasure….i thought more than usual….u started….acting like a quick please than go back to tv….i ask why….u spaz b/c I wanted more but u felt to sick…I rolled my eyes so u get up to go….yelling at me….saying im making u feel so bad im making u do this…and that. I felt used… u say ull just leave…how bad I am….v.v….i start scratching believing u….u tell me ull leave more. I convince u to stay and cuddle me….but u still scoff at one moment im mean the next moment im crying….u say ur cuddles aren’t working b/c im having a panic attack…. U might as well go u say. I start scratching again. U grab my hand push it back twisting it…I feel if u twist a little more ull break it…I scream out in pain….u stop….i hear my dad moving around upstairs…I start crying uncontrollably. U stroke my hand and wish it was better like it wasn’t ur fault…I pull away terrified of u. my dad comes down stairs…. He asks what happened I tell him I twisted it…I covered for u…like I always do. He gets me ice…starts running around hoping its not broken. I cry…while u watch tv….the show ends….u act like u did nothing….i still feel violated….i told u so earlier…my hand hurts, a lot. U tell me u have to go…I cry at u telling u ur schools more important than me….u say no and that ur just abusive and will leave….u go upstairs…I try calling u back…no answer. I go upstairs…u come hug and kiss me….u wipe my tears…acting like nothing unusual happened…ur about to leave and ask if I want another hug. I beckon u over u hug me and I warn u that I may talk to my friend…I may spill out to him. U freak at me yell that ur just abusive and that why would I get others involved in our issues. U storm out….still giving me kisses and still saying u love me….but telling me u may or may not show up on Wednesday if ur still hurt…then u wont… will I see u again…I don’t know…am I in pain…yes. I cry…I just want to die inside…but…I still love u…I love u through the abuse through the pain…
Lilly Tehnia Community Member |
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