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A magical trip awaits you in Lucia's mind...
Can't You Tell?
Ah, lately, I've been quite fond of someone.

You see, as a child, I was miserable. The reason escapes me now, but I do recall falling deeper and deeper into the dark depths of depression. Life really sucked.

Then came along a boy who saved me. I liked him for a while and he liked me, too, but he lived (and still lives) far away from me. As the months dragged on, I felt more and more distant from him. I felt like he stopped putting in the effort to interact with me and, frankly, I lost the effort myself.

I thought I was fortunate enough to have gone through that. He pulled me out of my sorrows and gently placed me in a brighter world, one where tears are a rarity. I thought that was that. When we stopped talking out of the blue, that was the end.

Little did I know, as high school settled in my life, this saviour of a boy returned. We started talking again and he told me he likes me.

And, wow. I must be a real fool to fall for him again. I must be the dullest person in the universe right now.

I don't know why, but when I picture us being together, it feels temporary. He tells me that when he likes me, it feels right. Ah, how am I to resist? He's a good person, he really is.

Too good, I'd say.

I want to say that love can win over distance, but that's what I thought last time I liked this boy. I was wrong then, but I'm older now, wiser now. I want to like him.

Oh, journal, I don't know how to explain it. I like liking him because it feels like he's good for me. I like liking him because he gives me hope in us. He makes me happy so effortlessly.

Maybe that's what's wrong. He's not even trying and I like him. It's like I take all of him for granted. I don't think I do. I really appreciate his existence. Sometimes, though, I think perhaps I'm not the stupid one in this relationship.

If you were wondering, we aren't dating. We probably won't because of the type of person I am.

When he talks to me, he's really open. He tells me a lot, maybe too much sometimes. I told him I only like him. Everyday, he insists that he loves me. He tells me he'll continue loving me forever.

I feel like such a bad person when I can't bring myself to believe him. This... love, as he calls it, seems far too young to last. It seems like a child who is under the impression that everything is possible.

There are certain things that just cannot be. I feel like this... whatever-it-is won't last. I'm insecure. Really insecure, actually. I feel stupid. I feel like I don't deserve him and that he's going to realize that one day.

I've mentioned that he is very open when conversing with me, correct? He even goes so far as to talk about other girls in his life.

What am I supposed to do, dear readers? He tells me these things in good will. I can't help but be jealous.

I've told him that I'm jealous of these girls. I didn't say it in a manner that forbade him to see these females. In fact, I would much rather not infringe on the social life of others. The way I told him made it seem like it was envy due to love.

It's common to be jealous when you love someone.

... or so I've heard.

The green monster I've become is not loving. I feel exposed, fragile, disposable. Does he realize this, I wonder? Does he know that by mentioning other girls in his life, he threatens my position as a special girl in his life? Does he consider me at all? How can he claim he loves me when this happens?

He doesn't know me. He shouldn't be able to love me. I don't trust him. I can't trust him.

Is it my fault? Perhaps he doesn't know me because I don't tell him about me? But I do tell him! I don't say it bluntly, but I hint at it to the extent where I'm basically stating it raw. Can't he tell? No? Why not?





Today's lyrics are:
Backward rider in the breeze
He comes for you, he comes for me
My fingers ache like I’m a weathered oak
Full of insects and disease

Comment below the song's title and artist and a reward shall be granted! Thanks for reading my seemingly useless journal entr(y/ies). I'll see you around next entry! yum_puddi





 
 
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