11/30/2013 4:41 AM
Fuuck I am hurting so much... I hope when I go to sleep tonight that my dream is sweet, and that I never wake from it. I have so, so many fears. If they ever came true, I do not know what I would do. "Take my hand, lead my through an unfamiliar place. Strange people and unknown streets. Bring me in. Keep me safe..." My words from 2010. She took me into Her home that warm summer day. I was so scared back then. So unsure of what would happen. Now I face my fear alone. There is no one to take my hand... I reach out and close my eyes, hoping to feel Her warm touch. I cannot feel a thing, except for the warm tears on my face. I can tell my instincts are trying to move me forward, but my memories and feelings keep resurfacing. They are so bitter-sweet. In my loneliness I remember more than ever before; days and conversations left behind in my mind by a man who was less focused. My thoughts run wild; powerful feelings of love and passion overflow from me. I remember everything- the reason to keep on living. What does any of that matter now? I cannot change anything. Sometimes I feel as if I can, but I continue to lie and fool myself. I tell myself I was never good enough. I ask myself why She would ever want me again. I tell myself I am a loser. My ears cannot handle these words. Still, I believe them to be true. Do I have to sit here and just let things run their course? Do I really have no other options? What if I sit here for the rest of my life and never see that beautiful face again, and never hear that sweet voice reach my ears? One month and I cannot tell truth from words meant to calm a fool. I want so badly to know the truth. Questions torment me as all the answers escape my knowing. So foolish plans cloud my mind; I think of every scenario. Should I put any of my wants ahead of my promises? Would change be unwanted and rejected? Every night I look to the stars for answers. They can tell me everything about human life. Will they answer me? For now I look up and wait. Maybe one day they will whisper their secrets to me, and I will look down to see Her face smiling at me once again.
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