I woke up depressed today. I hated myself and I hated what my so called lover treated me…I had to call him over and over again just to get a goodmorning. Only my best friend was able to get me out of it…sadly by that time I had already grabbed a knife and had it beside me on my bed… after a long fight with my ‘love’ I apologized to see how he would react…. Two seconds later hes all happy and go lucky…meanwhile I am here lying still crying my eyes out… still feeling like s**t…and now I feel used I feel disgusted, used, abused, and that I am just there to support him with nothing to protect and help me…why do I try…
He came and he left like hes done thousands of times….he ate my food slept on my couch….and tore my heart out. Do I not do enough for him? When he leaves im crying he says its too little to cry and obsess over….wow….that hurt….yet I still run after him!!!! I still stand bare footed in the snow to tell him what I felt….did he apologize? Yes…..will it stick? Hell no!!! I dread tomorrow the same time I yearn for his arms around me…my neck is sore…he tugged on it a lot today. He asked if it was sore I said yes….he rubs for two seconds and then ignores me.
I have cuts on my leg from today…I decided to try this butterfly thing so there is a green butterfly with my seemingly closest friend’s name on it. Its to stop me from harming myself…I show my love…he wants to draw a butterfly I let him and he does a pixie fairy type creature…I know its supposed to be fun but it feels like he doesn’t respect why im doing it.
I sigh a relief that hes gone…yet I still want him here holding me…I want his arms wrapped around me when I fall to sleep…which never happens b/c he falls asleep first and makes me angry watching him be so peaceful. He came here today settled down and forced kisses on me…I try over and over to pull away all he does is hold tighter kisses again and asks whats wrong…I just tell him im not in the mood…he shrugs and hold me awkwardly tight. My neck hurts….he holds me so strongly…his arms are too close to my neck for comfort. I try to move away and he holds tighter… im scared. Why am I here why do I stay…eventually our food comes, he eats, he sleeps, he insults me…im crying….he tells me its foolish…I love him so much. He leaves, I head out after him, he apologizes tells me he loves me and for me to go inside stay warm and get some tea….he hugs me tightly, kisses me passionately then leaves. I go inside missing him deeply…wanting him to hold me while I sleep while I cry….wanting him to be my forever. Why?