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Loveless
------Whelp, It's the holiday season, Thanksgiving was yesterday and stuff. That means family and friends gatherings. I'm so damn awkward with these things, that it kills me how socially inept I am. I just can't talk about broad stuff, like in an instance where they ask me: "How's life?" or "How's school and stuff?" My usual response would be, Good, or Okay. Usually at this level though, I can deal with it, because they would then speak about their life.

------But what about an instance where you're introduced to a shy person, or even more intensely, a shy guy. This causes my internal cognitive process to overload and melt into ice cream because it doesn't make sense and I have no idea what to do. I just realized that most of the guys I like in real life are really quiet and shy. Its weird I find that if the less I know about a person, I find them more alluring. This allows me to create their identities in my imagination, make them into superheroes or villains in fictional stories I write. You can probably infer that I day dream a lot.

------An example of this instance: there's this guy in my pre-calculus class and he's pretty decent looking and stuff. He knows his math and stuff, I kinda rivaled him in my head due to the fact that he gets better scores than me on the test just by at least 5 or less points. I mean we went to math tutors together, we study together, hes also the person I leave campus with on Mondays and Wednesdays. I guess I like him? I don't know I'm very very weird when it comes to feelings I just don't know how to convey them. I find it sad that when he complimented me about my name, I just shut down and said thanks. I wanted to compliment him back but as I wait, I'm digging into the library of my mind to find the perfect answer.

------I find it sad that I'm nothing without my musical qualities of playing guitar and singing. Because that's how I made friends and past-lovers back in high school. Strip those away from me and I'm a big a** nerd who loves to write and draw, loves math and science, magic the gathering and metal. But I embrace that about me, I just sorta wish that I would find someone that understands, these weird qualities of mine and not just my skills of sweep picking and tapped arpeggios.

------I guess I'm just writing this because I find it frustrating. I'm always a third wheel when it comes to my friends. And the guy that actually understands me is bestfriend-zoning me. I mean he is my best friend, but he doesn't see me like that... ******** this loveless life.

This is Anikacy, signing out!





 
 
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